all i want is to roll down a grassy hill

in the midst of a slow and steady attitude i feel a rush. im not sure why i let myself get some crazy ideas and then dwell on them. i used to feel so unruly, so overly independent and never constraint. the infinity of my desires has suddenly become a finite reality. and still i want that old feeling back, that oblivious bubble of happiness gives me comfort. there are people who live their lives in very abnormal ways. abnormal meaning that which is not the normal. i like that. if that was me, i think id be ok with being someone who i never thought was me, but someone whom i find comfort in. i never did realize just how much i am concerned with how i am seen and heard by others and the more i notice my insecurities the more i don't care.

i looked at myself in the mirror today and saw a girl with brown curls, a tan, an expressionless expression. i like to think of people more in those terms, rather than as doctors or mothers or boys or girls. is it possible to be negative but positive at the same time? my dilemma is that a lot of things piss me off and i am pretty outspoken about those things. but i dont let that ruin my attitude, im still a happy camper who loves to love. maybe there is a grey area in which i belong. can i ever keep a single train of thought? no.

current mood:

day dreaming

the past few days i have been feeling like an adult. its a strange feeling that's fleeting at times. but it gives me this overwhelming sense of self and an obscure feeling of independence. maybe its because i somehow made certain assessments about my life and for the first time feel okay about who i am and where im headed for, or not headed for. if we can all just somehow accept who we are and take things for its face value, life, as it seems to me, would be more enjoyable for everyone. am i actually an adult? i don't know, but does it really matter, what defines an identity, if i feel it then it must be real, right? and if i never become something of my desire, then so what? and what is my desire? and if my desire is to have no desire, is that possible? then why can't people just accept that. can i plan to not plan? i want to be one thousand people at the same time, and be in one thousand places, and be with one thousand others, and have one thousand dreams every single night, all at the same time. but everybody plays pretend. and i don't want to play pretend any more. and at the end of each chapter of my life i think "stupid girl", but really i was just trying to figure myself out. and what's the point?

currently reading:

The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath (re-reading)
The Unabridged Jouranls of Sylvia Plath
A Passage to India by E.M. Forster
The History of Russia by Nicholas V. Riasanovsky

"not being with you is like not being able to eat those cookies which are really good"

i was looking through my old high school year book tonight. wow. everybody looked so perfect and skinny and happy and... was i perfect and skinny and happy too? it was funny to read what people wrote in my year book, they all seemed to have a couple of things in common, if a stranger was reading it they might think that i was a drunk of some sort. WHAT HAPPENED? in a way i wish i was back, and in so many others i want to move forward. i have moved forward. i think to myself that high school was a joke, but was it really? it was a joke in the sense that i laughed alot and then again... and then again i really can't recall. if i had a time bubble, id warp myself back to those days, just to see myself. sitting by the pool, tanning, playing pool in the club house, driving my little z, playing loud music on a beat up speaker, yelling in my car, dancing on cars, climbing things while highly intoxicated, getting coffee in pajamas after a long night of drinking while looking at pictures, sitting at starbucks during 1st period, finding a damn parking spot, sitting in the back of the class, thinking how silly everyone is, not thinking about the future, going to the hill, the beach, ooooh the beach....

it really puts me in a time bubble when i look at that year book, a sweet and sour type of feeling. can i be at two places at the same time? please? if i were god i would definately have invented that. so maybe i should put that book away and come back to it once i re- invent post its and am getting ready for my high school reunion.
oooh the memories.