mood is strange

its strange how such simple things can completely change my mood. this morning i woke up with the same sad expression on my face, the same lethargic feeling of restlessness , and a foreboding of the day. I did my usual tea and toast and checking of the email (my goal is to spend under 5 hours on the computer today) and surprisingly i got an unexpected email from an old camp person. I don't know what powers camp has (oh i knowjca has always worked in very odd and mysterious ways) or maybe its just that im already feeling so down, but within an instant i became a completely different person. so i turned on some Ani. my most favorite of favorites and I have been avoiding her. why? sheusually gives me so much feeling of strength and motivation. i supposeit is because i didn't need her help before, so now I am turning backto my usual Ani listening, art making, eccentric and mingling self. and i am really excited about that.
im still on the prowl about what to do, where to go, what to be.... i
found this opportunity to go to S. Korea to teach English abroad and I
am so so tempted, all paid for flights and housing and salary. what is
stopping me? last night i had another dreadful talk about my future
with one of the relatives and its another "don't waste your time, you
are so lucky.. use it, you already did enough traveling, soon you will
be old with babies, blah blah" and i want to just get away from all of that. but then i look back and alot of the advice many "adults" gave me turned out to be to my benefit in the end, is this another one of those times? i dont think the war inside my head will ever end.

so i am having coffee with david today, once in 2 weeks that i will see someone besides the dwellers of this house.

where are all my friends? if they do not live in a foreign country, they have moved on, found a new muse, became "busy".

well san francisco is just days away and i am so so excited, but my only fear is that nothing will come of it. i am determined though.

missing....

every day i wake up and i attempt to make a list of things that i should do for the day and in a daze and boredom, the hours just seem to pass by me and the days drift away. what a waste. i spend most of my time thinking about the way things used to be, and how i wish i can get that feeling back that i experienced at every moment of every day in Dublin. And so i sit and reminisce and dwell on the past. And I wonder... is it possible, to just take off again? I can, I easily can. And I know that the only thing that is stopping me is this whole notion of investing in the future, of setting some sort of career. what's it gonna be; shitty job, grad school, law school? i just know that at the rate that im going at the moment i won't be doing much.

not to sound too negative and miserable, im not... i was. im slowly coming out of this depressing phase and becoming a much more optimistic and carefree person, although not nearly as disinhibited as i felt over the past 6 months. I would do anything to return to my dirty 2 story flat, to my immigrant flatmates, to my favorite 4, to my ever so growing beer belly days. and now my belly is growing and beer has got nothing to do with it!

so i decided to get off my ass, after sitting on the couch for over a month. so im grabbing my junior high harlot and heading up north to my favorite canadian bacon. nothing is set in stone but like always, things seem to work themselves out. so the tentative plan is to head off early next week, hit up northern CA, Portland, Seattle, and final destination is Vancouver baby (and all the cool stuff in between.) I'm excited to let this be a great beginning of my return here in this wonderful country. I also decided to move back to San Francisco so if everything goes to my tentative plan, I will be back with my Oaklandish homies by early October for some super rad times!

so im excited, and ready to start being proactive!

currently reading:
Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky
Less Than Zero by Brett Easton Ellis
Three Comrades by Erich Maria Remarque