silly thoughts

Almost an entire year!

2010-10-13T23:26:00.000-07:00

Wow its been an eternity since my last post and all these thoughts I've kept buried inside my head. The blogging must commence! For now I must sleep as work awaits me at 7:30AM, but I am rupturing all those thoughts that must spill out on this eternal blog...

willow lost

2009-11-06T17:54:00.000-08:00

i'm stumped on a tree stump,
the same one i keep tripping over for years now
tearing the hair out of my head and silently screaming in to my pillow
something needs to change

oof, how i annoy myself.

beautiful british columbia

2009-09-14T21:08:00.000-07:00

i love canada! who knew that just a few states and a border up north lies a fruitful marsh of trees, mountains, beavers and hippies?? actually most people probably knew but of course all things new to me seem like i've just discovered the new world.

whistler

vancouver..ish

thoughts on michael jackson

2009-07-07T21:44:00.000-07:00

im watching all the media and moving through my life seamlessly and only tonight, after receiving a message from julia of a video of mj accepting an award for the opening of the michael jackson auditorium at gardner street school that i flinched and realized and accepted reality. this is the man that i had a crazy crush on at 8 years old. this is the man who's songs i sang not even knowing the english language on my grandparent's dacha. this is the man who's lyrics were written all over my elementary school. this is the man who gave me the once in a lifetime chance to visit neverland ranch and feed elephants with carrots out of a moving fairytale train. yes, i was one of the lucky 5th graders at gardner street school. this is the man who contributed to my imagination, desire to sing and dance, and love of leather jackets.

michael jackson, to me, represents youthfulness, freedom, crazy dance genius, love, life and happiness. he brings me back to my childhood when id listen over and over to his songs on an old jacked up tape recorder, id lock myself in the bathroom at 7 years old and sing his songs over and over having no clue what the foreign english words mean. he brings me back to fuller street where id play handball wearing a hot pink "beat it" shirt.

i watched the memorial service today on tv and can't help to wonder, why is it that we celebrate each other's lives only when those lives come to an end? we are quick to scream insults at each other full of accusations at any given time but only honor each other when its the end.

this is a sad day. a legend too young to leave us...
i will always remember michael as the moon walking smooth criminal singing thriller.
i went to gardener street elementary school where michael attended 6th grade, where i sang heal the world at my graduation, where michael jackson made my grade school years magical, where i admired michael, where michael gave me room to grow, room to play and room to make best friends for life. he will be missed.

good things come from big feet

2009-04-13T23:17:00.000-07:00

friday a few of us began setting up for the biggest sample sale at work, which happened today. this included over 150 giant boxes full of stuff. that's what i call it : stuff. mostly clothes, shoes, belts, toys etc. i was most eager for the shoes... i suppose im in that girl shoe craze right now. the great thing about shoe samples is that they come in large sizes, like my feet. so ploughing through boxes and boxes of designer shoes "lightly worn" by some models for a few photo opportunities was a big job today. lucky me i found so many great shoes and all $1 each. its amazing how crazy people get with these sample sales... cowboy boots was a hot commodity as well, but i had no energy to get in that pile. i also got a handbag, some belts and a few kids toys. i figure... hey this is my last month at work and i will milk as much as i can, especially at all the sample sales since i can't afford full price.

highlights from the weekend:
lamb shanks
matzo balls
brisket
a million hungry people at my house
remembering the story of Exodus
attempting to not eat leavened bread.... failing misserably
sisterly love
pasha, the newest and the cutest little tiny baby with tiny baby feet and tiny baby ears.

hair-make-up-camera

2009-04-09T23:41:00.000-07:00

best day at work today throughout the entire past year and a half. i have finally visited the photo studio, sadly as it will be closing down i wanted to catch the last(first for me) glimpse in to the world of fashion and photography. this is where i should have been. i loved everything from the warehouses to the crazy equipment, the models, the art directors, all the artists and of course most important the lunch catering. i grabbed O with me as i headed to the studio and we were both amazed at how wonderful this place is, the people number 1 of course. we got to watch a few of the models do their shoot, the environment is pretty relaxed and they pretty much already know how to pose, what to do. O and i didn't know where to look because there was so much going on, from model shoots to still shots of shoes and hand bags. this was by far the most exciting day of work for me. i can't turn back time, but if i could i would volunteer my time at the studio and learn some tricks. as i talked to many of the guys there, this is by far one of the best studios and i just getting acquainted with it. i am still dumbstruck at the well thought out and hard work put in to this incredible place. we got to chat with one of the models, and i even recognized one of the other models from one of our catalogs.
i probably won't be visiting again as we are all heading out, but i do hope that i will eventually work in such a positive, creative and encouraging environment.

in other news, waiting patiently for k to arrive so we can eat some good food.
oh and kari and i ended up on this site from the sf beta event the other night, fun.

just because

2009-04-08T20:01:00.000-07:00

tonight im supposed to be remembering the 42 years of my people's exodus from egypt but instead im vegging out (with leavened bread) and looking forward to american idol results. not exactly what my people envisioned for me but this is what im resorting to. the past month or so, tumultuous. job hunting is a bitch and i don't have the motivation for it. but again, somehow, i managed to get myself out of some hole that i started digging in to, and will be starting my new job in May, not exactly the 6 month backpacking trip that i had envisioned once the lay off was announced, but at least im being responsible, and actually super excited about this change. last night i went to an SF BETA event with kari, what an interesting night, and eclectic group of people. my biggest disadvantage was not being properly equipped with business cards. this, is how you network. i met more people, founders of various companies, random entrepreneurs in 4 hours than i have over the past year and a half living here. a bunch of tech savvy, green peace driven people in one room make a pretty fun night. i even met some russians working for random companies, including fotki.com. my one advantage was being with kari, the prize of the night was a donation to her company and since she was the sole representative of the evening had crowds and crowds of people drifting in our direction. tomorrow im going to finally visit the photo studio at work, why have i not done this before? after meeting the entire photo crew a few weeks back i realized i should have been volunteering my time at the studio more often, so tomorrow i get to see a real model shoot.

things to look forward to:
katya visitng this weekend= passover dinner and non-passover dinner
pauline visitng in may= omfg please hurry up

currently readin(like for real):
love in time of cholera by marquez

milestones to achieve:
be strong like a bull
fly a kite
GRE- set a date
humanity- do some volunteering
meditate
travel to foreign lands

missing mexico

2009-03-15T23:38:00.001-07:00

i want to go back to mexico.... maybe when this is all over, this metropolitan life of mine, i will take a break, maybe learn some spanish, relax, enjoy the sand and the beach and the people....

this weekend was all about me. i rode my bike, stressed my muscles a bit, re-discovered my love for sutro baths, talked to strangers, bought a pair of new shoes, ate ice cream, found some old film in my pre-historic SLR and 1 hour later discovered some quircky photos of my family. i talked to my best friend, listen to simon and garfunkle and told myself to chill out. so now to ploughing through the 56 most commonly used vocabulary on the GRE, and I'll be hitting the library every day until i get it right.

taking a deep breath and hopefully will be in mexico this summer.

adios.

speechless

2009-03-12T22:38:00.000-07:00

i used to be good with words, i used to yearn to share them with the world, now i avoid them.... tail between my legs and im feeling alone more than ever. hormonal and on the verge of a panic attack at any given moment. somehow i managed to push the people close to me to a dark corner, and soon they won't remember my name. or maybe this is part of becoming older, sifting through, changing, moving on... whatever it is it sucks a lot and i can't help but feel responsible, or irresponsible really. i don't recognize myself when i look in the mirror every day. i can't hear myself, i can't stand the thoughts going through my head, is anyone else annoyed with themselves or is it just me? i'm giving myself a time out. can time stop just for a few hours so i can figure my plan out before it all zooms by me? i should be in a better mood because i have an interview tomorrow and i have to practice my answers to all those lame questions we get asked each time....

looking forward to my wish list, whenever i can afford it.

scatterbrain

2009-03-01T23:22:00.000-08:00

Its a new day. The past few weeks have been turbulent... again. ive been imagining wearing different hats and can't place my finger on a unique design of my own. it seems as though everyone around me has everything figured out, a plan of some sort or a direction. and i am yet again completely clueless about what i want. i don't even know what it is that i desire, what is my purpose, what do i crave?

i used to appreciate profound words

2009-02-08T22:06:00.000-08:00

"I want to beg you, as much as i can, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day to the answers."~ Rainer Maria Rilke

laid off

2009-02-04T22:43:00.000-08:00

sigh

so we are all getting the boot and its pretty sad walking the halls at work and seeing the look on everyone's face preparing for what's ahead.

but i am keeping my chin up high. this is a push for me to do bigger and better things and to finally kick myself to strive and be motivated again.

i hope to gain my spirit back.
for now i am just really stressed out about finding another job, especially since im competing with all these exec's who also just got laid off. no more frivolous shopping and lunches out and designer jeans and vacations, boo.

yikes! what will become of me....

my eyes are burning

2008-12-25T20:15:00.000-08:00

i can't stand this anymore.

time to leave. time to change. time to time to times two.
get me out of this cage.

v

another deep breath

2008-09-21T22:35:00.000-07:00

and i have connection to the outside world. ladies and gentlemen, i finally have internet access in the comfort of my own home. no more late night coffee con wifi down the street at Simple Pleasures.

i have been very creative with my time, no tv and no internet will bring you back to... reality i think. i have actually spent real quality time with myself. read a few books, drank a few bottles of wine, had a few very intelligent conversations...

i feel different. i feel a little bit more grown up. omg its happening. or maybe i am just becoming more stubborn and labeling it maturity? im finding myself being much more outspoken, but not about unimportant rubbish that i was so passionate about in college... but about things that really piss me off or that affect me personally. i tend to freely express myself and most people find it hilarious, like when someone at work called me panicking about something and asked me what they can do... all i could muster up was that when im freaking out and need advice i usually call my mother. its the real truth. i called her today!

but seriously.... what is happening? first of all everyone around me is getting married and having babies. what's with the trickle effect? and i feel like im almost 30 even though im not yet in the mid twenties so there is this rush and panic and then i think, so what? so what?? what is the huge deal? i just want to go home, eat cookies, and watch sex in the city.... is that so wrong?

growing up sucks.

i want to go back in time. back to the house on the river with the playground in between the brick towers. back to the safety and the innocence. back when my mistakes had little repercussions, when decisions lay in which toy to play with and which friend to stand next to.

now i find myself standing by myself, and realizing that whatever happens, whoever i meet, whoever i befriend, or love, or invite in to my life will never fully be there. its all me.

i'm emotionally drained.

хуй vey!

2008-08-17T19:48:00.000-07:00

im still sensing a bit like im in the middle east but the feeling is quickly rubbing off.
Israel... 10 days on a bus with some groovy kids, and i am back safe and sound.
where do i even begin? to start off, i don't know how well i do in groups, especially when it comes to travel. this was my first, possibly my last group trip... it definitely has its pros and cons. but i could not give up an opportunity like this, first of all the entire trip from flight to hotel to food was free, freeeeee, completely free. wow. second, i got to meet some super cool jews and learn a lot about a country that i have been longing to know more of. i wish i could have extended my stay and experienced the middle east on my own, or with some cool dudes and dudettes that i met on my journey there, but i am saving that for another time, possible some time next year.

so to the good stuff... israel is enchanting. the people, the history, the music, the food, omg the food, the culture, did i mention the food?
ok the good stuff is the food so i will start there:
i can sum it all up in just one word: HUMMUS
i didn't know so much gastronomical goodness can come from a can of garbanzo beans. i ate fresh fruit and vegetables for breakfast, lunch and dinner with a side of hummus of all hours of the day. shwarma, fallafel, all the middle eastern goodies were there, although traveling with the group made it hard for me to test my pallet too much... but i somehow catered to all my taste buds. a very popular side dish is cucumber with sour cream. the sour cream was something from out of this world. i know a lot of people are not fans, but keeping to my slavic roots i devoured that stuff. i also found a lot of baked goods, usually some sort of sweet cheese or chocolate encrusted in layers of fluffy dough, also will keep you licking your fingers.

we did so much in just 10 short days that im even having a hard time looking back and recalling every little thing but i will touch on those that stuck in my mind the most.

MASADA, is an ancient palace on top of a giant mountain in the desert overlooking the Dead Sea built sometime around 37BCE (omg that's so old). it looks like someone took a knife and sliced the top of a mountain off, placing the palace on top, guarding its fortress from the Roman Empire. the story goes that when the Roman Empire siege the Jews from their fortress, the Jews were led to a mass suicide when they knew they would not survive.
I found myself in one of the most beautiful places in the world. looking down across the desert and on the Sea you can see the path of the dying salt, leaving behind wavelike designs (apparently the Dead Sea is dying out but it will be another million years or so before its completely dead... a bit ironic)
Masada with its rickety bricks and its ancient ruins is AMAZING. its a bit of a hike to get there and in the Negev desert the heat will take you, all of you. but with plenty of water and with calves of steel (now they are) your pilgrimage will be welcomed with an amazing view, a light breeze even, and what feels like a maze of ancient rooms, bathhouses, palaces, and a bunch of great spots to sit and think, or tan...
(view from the top of Masada)

Another amazing place was the Golan Heights, in the north east of Israel, bordering Syria and Lebanon. And when I say bordering I mean I could see the other countries from where I was standing on the mountain. This place is famous for the War of 1967 Six Day War, when Syria occupied this region and Israel retreated and capturing this land and later capturing it for good in 1973 Yom Kippur War. There were trenches, real trenches that we got to walk through. Our tour guide who was with us the whole time actually served in this war and had a heroic story to tell us about his experience, this site was especially a sensitive place for him and extremely important... i actually met multiple people who have fought in recent wars and it was a very unique experience for me... a welcome to reality that i'm still processing.

(me after a mini jeep ride in the Golan Heights, Syria and Lebanon right behind me)

Another amazing place was Tzvat(sp?)... it was a short stop but a place that felt very special and spiritual. it is the birthplace of Kabballah. it was a cool little town and full of mysticism, not to mention cool little winding roads, local artists selling their work, and genuinely nice people. most of everyone who lives there appeared to be Hasidic. it had one of the prettiest synagogues i have ever been to, all blue blue blue.

(there was a picture of this guy holding his hand up all over this city)

we of course visited the major tourist spots. all around i had fun, although at times i questioned myself of what my goal was from this trip: to learn about religion, history, sight see?
i think i did a little bit of all of those things... well maybe more of the religious stuff then what i was expecting but i still took from it a knowledge and and eye-opening experience.
we did a lot of silly things (i thought) like visiting holy sights where we can pray for a husband or wife, or sit on a holy chair and in 1 year we would meet our soul mate. it was very entertaining to me. i floated in the dead sea, rode a camel, stayed in a Baudouin tent, drank Turkish coffee....

the people on this trip were a mix, a good mix. right away i befriended the only other russian girl, Natasha and her and i became a pair right away. with us was Jessica, our American padrushka who quickly learned the dirtiest phrases in russian... we are so proud of her.
so i met some cool kids, both American and Israeli and we had a good few laughs and drinks.

I found the people in Israel to be very friendly and open. i had many reservations before going to visit but the second i got off the plane all my nerves were somehow calmed. its weird to see an 18 year old girl walking down the street with a giant gun but it actually made me feel more safe and protected. the uniforms did not phase me at all and unfortunately it has become part of the lifestyle there.

so Israel... in 10 days was short, too short. it was intense the amount of stuff we did each day and it was difficult for me to feel spiritual in a the holiest places of the world as we were constantly in a hurry to see the next great thing... i wish i could take my time and give and take from it in my own way... but hey that's the catch.

Its crazy how such a tiny little country holds so much power over the rest of us, and for whatever reason everyone wants a piece of it, or all of it. i have yet to learn more about the middle eastern conflict as there is way too much information for me to soak up...

so thank you birthright, and as we usually say..... next year in Jerusalem

warm san francisco nights

2008-06-29T01:11:00.000-07:00

it has been officially 2 weeks since i've had my own place here in san francisco... and slightly far from the truth. its not really my place, but a temporary one until september. needless to say, i call it my own place and it feels like home. this is probably one of the most beautiful houses i've lived in, its really enchanting. natasha is back from vacation so i finally have a roommate. the individual freedom for a few weeks was incredible and just what i needed but now im ready to feek another person's presence in this home.

last weekend the weather was incredible. heat wave san francisco. christopher and i headed to zeitgeist, open patio and a flock of dirt drunk people. the drinks were bad, they were out of everything that night, and the crowd was a bit too hipster, but it was great to sit outside and not feel the usual cold chill of the bay, and instead wave your hand sup in the warm night air.

ive been going throuhg many changes, many many. ive been affected a lot by mys surroundings and want to make some drastic changes in my life. i want to eat more healthy, exercise regularly, and to only surround myself with incredible individuals.

i went to a birthday party today in the mish, and it was incredible. the energy, the people, the aura in the room was resonating. a bit hippy i will admit but nevertheless, completely genuine and from the bottom of the heart. everyone at this party really wanted to be there, really gave an incredible piece of themselves to the birthday girl and expressed their love to her in many different ways; words, poetry, song... it was a very gratifying experience and i hope one day i will have the same amount of spirit and energy surrounding me.

other than that, nothing else is really new. still wanting to travel....
PRIDE tomorrow. do you have pride?

sardines

2008-06-19T21:37:00.000-07:00

on the MUNI for my morning commute.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have retrieved to my old San Franciscan ways. I live in an incredible home, old Victorian, antique door knobs, the first microwave ever created, the most extra ordinary garden, and all to myself for a few weeks. it feels so refreshing, especially after crashing on couches for a while. the neighborhood is great, a couple dives, couple of restaurants and shops and the best part is the Golden Gate Park right outside my window, practically. i really feel rejuvenated and really good about my decision to finally cross the bridge and live here. there really is no other place in the world like San Francisco. its 7 x 7 mile area encompasses the most amazing, ridiculous, and hypnotic personalities. people smile, they say hello, they apologize when they step on your feet on the way to work.

besides my new place of residence, i have been doing well. well... better! if attitude is the key to well being, that is. i am getting ready to go on my big trip to Israel, my biggest fear : shorts.....

I have also been doing a lot of internal therapy. i've learned a lot just in the past 6 months about myself, about others, about my environment and the world in general. i decided to have more patience, to really listen to those around me, to pay attention (fighting my ADD!), to be loving and giving and respectful... yes all the things that i never thought i wasn't, nor do i think that i have not been, but would like to be more conscious of the way i compose myself and present myself to others, especially to those that are truly and generally awesome human beings.

i also made a new friend. a friend of a friend who moved to the area recently and we are sort of house hunting together, i have no idea where i will be living in September, but somehow things work themselves out.

what will come of me....

currently reading: Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides

couch surfing

2008-06-08T22:59:00.000-07:00

the past month or so has been up and down. mostly down. and when i didn't think there were any more steps leading down to the basement, they somehow appeared to bring me lower and deeper in to a hole in the underground.

but i am slowly climbing back out of it and seeing another side of things. a more optimistic v. and all i needed was to see another side of the bay, on a more frequent basis. i have been couch surfing the past week or so. last week i stayed with my favorite brothers, and this week with Yana in San Francisco. Next week is yet another quest of where I will be. I decided rent from a friend for a couple of months, until I get my feet back on the ground and until I find a more permanent home for myself. San Francisco is where I will be. The lovely, wonderful streets of this European city with its Victorian flats and the wondering hippies and me sitting in a coffee shop for 4 hours, completely lost in my book, with all my stuff in my car.... that was yesterday. All that is missing is a guitar and a bandanna dog.

i have left Oakland on a sweet and sour note. it was great while it lasted, but as most things come to an end, i am ready to leave and ready to live in the city of bridges and liberal freaks. i made some amazing memories in East Bay and some incredible friends and hey, just a quick bart ride away and I'm reunited with my guitar heroes and my pho eating crew.

tomorrow I'm riding the old rickety train to work. awesome.

i can't ever

2008-05-07T00:14:00.000-07:00

have an intelligent conversation with you.

my irish soul mate...

2008-04-27T22:17:00.000-07:00

and we sing crimson and clover, and over and over.

Erin came to visit me the past few days and it was the most refreshing feeling i have had in a very long time. i literally had tears rolling down my cheeks when i saw her on the corner of Market and 3rd. i can safely say that she is one of the most amazing and extra ordinary people that i have ever met, and i think the feeling is mutual! i showed her around the Golden Gate and couldn't stop laughing the entire time that she was here.

being the globe trotter that she is, i got that sense of adventure back again when she asked me if i wanted to accompany her to Canada... i had to stay for work sakes. but then again.... can i take off again? can i be wild and crazy again? can i test myself again? and the answer is simple. so i am thinking again about S. Korea.... to teach or not to teach?

So while I ponder my fate, Erin is yet again walking around the world. i just still can't believe what great friends we are and how much of an amazing time we had the past few days and how well we understand and read each other. its with people and relationships like this that i validate my irrational decision making.

so now i feel really really good. im getting closer to finding out more about myself.
going to see Devotchka tomorrow at the Fillmore.

fucking napoleon

2008-04-10T00:32:00.000-07:00

listen to your mother.
but keep the crying off your PDA,
Blackjack go black and I am left phoneless, broken, bound to your distant selfishness

i've learned enough in school to know that you end up on an island, all alone. with no me.

and where is your army now?
my borders are blocked, all by my feminism, all by me- woman. my head up high laughing at you short man. forget the broken phone and lost contacts and picture messages. at least i have my sanity, now.

your attempts to blockade are a joke, i ended my hunger strike days ago, and all on my own accord. so don't be coming after me again, not with that mindless, dull, and over aged guillotine. my head sees things clearly, on or off this worn out body.

and i spent the past two days in Ani world. and i feel good. i feel inspired. i feel like a little of myself is back. she is such an inspiration to me. i have imagined meeting her for such a long time that when i finally had the chance, all i wanted was to gaze at her in admiration, completely at a loss for words.

i am ready to rid myself of toxic elements in my life. i am reminded of my admiration for the finer things in life. i am looking for a new project, a new goal, a new me. ready ready, take me.

happy birthday.....

2008-04-09T00:31:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Asher, I miss you a lot <3

Robyn and I had a moment today just thinking about you....

to see and to be scene

2008-04-05T19:25:00.000-07:00

Art Murmur, or First Friday is the scene. These hipsters are all hella hyphy. These are the perfect terms to describe these scensters. Art murmur happens on the first friday of each month. It's basically a bunch of hippies getting together at a few local art galleries in Oakland, smoking their joints, drinking their drinks, and acting all hyphy. You walk through the various galleries of local artists and some of the stuff is really trippy, some kind of boring. It's basically an excuse for the kids to come out and play, show off their new dread locks and "vintage" clothing and run in to old friends. It's like a contest of who is more East Bay at this event. Random people playing random instruments on the street. Everyone looks kind of dirty, but in a really cool way. They populate the streets and bring their buses and vans and some even their kids, dressing them in ponchos and Chilean hats. Very intriguing.

Caroline and I had a moment when we were looking at a piece of art with 3 images on it, all contortions of a butterfly:

V: Hey Caroline, that kind of looks like the Rorschach, what do you see?
C: I see your mom's vagina and over there her back tattoo... yep that's her tramp stamp alright.

silence

Random Guy: I was with your mom last night and that is definitely her vagina.
V: Your an asshole. Caroline lets get out of here.

silence. laughter filled with tears.

I also managed to run in to a camp person at the event, an old timer. something about JCA that brings people together, no matter where in the world I am. makes me feel a bit warm and fuzzy inside.

Following a very interesting visit to the murmur, Caroline, Charlotte and I headed to Cafe Van Kleef, another super hipster spot. there was a $7 cover and since all 3 of us are scrubs we ended up in our very favorite Ruby Room. the Ruby Room, another local hipster favorite has a different zing to it. situated right by the lake, it draws an eclectic crowd, but loyal to its Oakland roots. it's name speaks for itself, the inside is dim and, well, ruby. the DJ's always playing some oldies, and these kids getting all hyphy again. This is the spot if you want to meet some interesting characters or strike up a friendly conversation. Also a good place if you are sad and lonely and want to just sit in the dark corner and write in your journal.

Besides visiting the Oaksterdam district that I currently reside in I went to Vegas last weekend.
In short:
clubs
bad music
people humping on the dance floor
drugs
booze
limos
strip clubs
lap dances, or should i say... nothing lap about it.
buffet
tequila
chicken fried steak
no money

yep that about sums it up. everything else stays in Vegas, including all my money. I was supposed to bring good luck to the tables as it was my first time, and maybe I did to those around me. But I left empty handed, and even in the negative.

I decided to do things different and being frustrated and anxious about things not falling in to place is giving me such a bad attitude. so starting today I will do 1 thing to work towards my goal every day. i realized that nothing happens over night and this step by step will take me to more places than i would be going to at this rate. i'm hella gonna make this work. i welcome myself to East Bay....

currently listening to The Bird and the Bee.

another V moment

2008-03-25T23:21:00.000-07:00

Dakh and Emily from across the hall invited me to see "Enter the Dragon" tonight at the Parkway down the street. A Bruce Lee oldie and one I have not seen. If you are not familiar with the Parkway, here is how it works: awesome films, great beer on tap, good people, home- like atmosphere, must be 21+ to attend, get there early to reserve a couch, order your pizza etc and it will be delivered somewhere in the first 20 mins of the film. Well I was so excited, with the special live Kung Fu performances and all. Dakh and I decided to split a pitcher of beer and somehow I got suckered into drinking the entire thing. 3/4 through the movie I couldn't keep my eyes open and I really really really wanted to just watch the movie, it was extremely entertaining and funny but I was so exhausted from the day and the beer completely pacified me. Well Emily and I ended up cuddling together on the couch like little babies and all of a sudden everyone is clapping and laughing and here come the credits. Well not only did I miss the best part of the movie I also got a mad craving for pizza.... yes at the end of the movie when everything is over and the bar is closed. I hauled my ass to Lucky's and here I am waiting for my frozen pizza (because the craving is too strong and I am a weak person) And all this in light of "saving money". I kid myself. Best be going to Blockbuster soon.

what the Phở??

2008-03-10T00:18:00.000-07:00

what would i do without you pho?
i really think that pho is the cure to every single one of my problems, especially those having to do with food. pho is like that bright light at the end of the tunnel.... its beefy noodle goodness is indescribable. i love you pho! pho and i meet about once a week, sometimes even more. i stay true to my local pho down the street, but on occasion i sneak away to the deep dark alley ways of Oakland and indulge in this gastronomical experience elsewhere. mmmm i think im in the mood for pho right now. i wake up sometimes thinking about pho and.... actually eat it for breakfast.

there is a restaurant C and I are planning a major pho appetite to called the "Pho King" we are having a lot of fun with this one....

I'm in the mood for pho king
Is your pho king good?
The pho king was amazing
Are you hungry? I hope your ready for some pho king
For pho king sakes...
What is your pho king problem?
I pho king love this restaurant

What is it about pho that is so addictive? Is it the perfect beef broth? Is it the soft flat noodles or the fresh mint? Is it the raw pieces of beef that cook in the stock as soon as I dip them in? Or maybe its the flank and brisket and all those other parts of the cow.... moooo. i gotta get my ass to Vietnam and try the real stuff.

i live in the projects

2008-02-25T20:56:00.000-08:00

or so it appears. every day its something new. every day its some new problem. someone getting hit or mugged or screaming and fighting and middle of the night phone calls. i feel so out of my skin. the floors creak and i have absolutely no escape.

current mood: Dostoevsky
hobbies: arts and crafts, day dreaming, your-mom jokes.

a wise friend once told me...

2008-02-23T19:20:00.000-08:00

"Remember, there are plenty of pints of guinness with Vica written all over them somewhere on this planet. You just gotta go find them."

I began my search right here in Oakland- went to the most AMAZING restaurant last night. the word is BBQ ribs. the restaurant is Evert and Jones. the food is gastronimical. a humongous plate of bbq, side of sweet potatoes and coleslaw and an amazing corn bread muffin. i wet my panties a little bit just waiting for the food. still thinking about it.

Oscars tonight....

v-day. the after thought.

2008-02-17T23:49:00.000-08:00

this year on valentine's day i actually noticed it. such an odd and random awareness of an extremely ridiculous "holiday." everyone at the office got flowers delivered.... cards being sent, candy grams and happy good looking couples infesting my 5 block radius at work. i decided to romance myself that night and went to Trader Joes to pick up some dinner material. I was haunted again by couples getting ready for their big dates. And then there was me.... going through my usual grocery list. i felt a little in the "spirit" and picked up some brownie mix and ended up pigging out on my baked goods with Josh and his mom upstairs and their giant TV.

so what is it about this hallmark of a holiday that sets people off? girls tell their boyfriends they don't want to make a big stink of it when deep down inside they wish to put on a red silk dress and be lured away by their loved ones with flowers and poems and such...

it is ridiculous that we have to be told when to be romantic, when to send flowers, when to show each other that we care. why can't we be spontaneous? why can't we randomly leave a long stemmed rose at our crushe's car, show up unannounced with a pack of beer and a Molly Ringwald film, run away for a few hours and watch the lights and people from some quiet nook up in North Beach, up in the Coit Tower or Twin Peaks or Tilden Park. Why do we need to do this all synchronized like some sort of programmed zombies?

that is my two cents on valentine's day. i'm not bitter, just amused. completely and utterly surprised by how much a hallmark holiday can make people squirm in their chairs and get down on one knee to their perfect someone.

currently listening to:

Beirut

Peter, Bjorn & John

sunny days....

2008-02-10T23:45:00.000-08:00

maybe it was the weather, or something else, but i was happy this weekend. saturday Clay and I drove out to Point Reyes, its up north on this crooked peninsula and it was immaculate. we drove through a few small towns on the way and it slightly reminded me of my trip up to nor cal not too long ago. the scenery was beautiful... really reminded me of my time in Northern France this past summer. we played in the sand and water and climed some rocks and talked the deep talk and thoughts and feelings and then headed back. it was incredible how getting out of this city for just a few hours can have such a drastic affect on me. i feel really good now. today it was another warm and sunny day and i rode my bike around the lake and read my book at the local coffee shop. im trying to reconstruct my old routine in this new place that i'm in and i think its working.

my new goal is to write. i know im not a great writer... especially looking at my blogs and posts. but im really considering travel writing. maybe its naive and maybe its a wrecklace idea but i feel good just thinking about it and i think i will give it a shot. im not sure how to corner this new dream of mine or how to even approach it but its a new idea and i am crazy about it.

im also crazy about a few new things in my life:
chai tea latte
stepping on dead leaves to make a crunchy noise
the food network
overlooking people's reading material on BART
literal humor
zombies

bloody sunday

2008-01-27T17:47:00.000-08:00

no i am not refering to the troubles in northern ireland in the twentieth century, i am talking about my sunday- today.

in all essence of the term "bloody sunday"- this is exactly what today was all about.
i was woken up this morning by my roommate with a panicked voice banging on my door demanding for me to get up. i managed to drag my feet outside my room and blurry eyed could not believe what i was seeing. one of my neighbors, an elderly russian woman, face full of blood holding a damp cloth smothered in more blood. she was accompanied by another elderly russian couple who were attempting to get her help. she was all blood and my roommate on the phone with 911.

she was not only mugged at the front door of our building, but shoved inside the garage and hit on the head, face, etc. she was so shaken up and scared and bloody. we rushed her to the ER and I was her translator. it was difficult to communicate with her as her sight and hearing is not so great and her family was not there, as I am sure she was so terrified and not to mention in a lot of pain. her whole face full of blood, in her mouth and nose, underneath her eyes, on her hands.

the doctors were doing their best and trying to calm her down and i was.... translating, and sometimes speaking in russian to the doctors by mistake as i was also very shaken up by the situation.

whoever did this to her must have been keeping her eye out on her for some time. she is a nice lady who doesn't really have much, and to think that someone would strike her for her belongings is absurd. she was victimized by a brute. and word on the street is that there is a few hooligans in the area attacking elderly russian immigrants.

im so disgusted.

eventually her family came to the hospital and we left to go home. back at the apartment building we found blood blood and more blood everywhere. in the garage, in the elevator, on the stairs, all over the place. caroline, jason and I spent about an hour cleaning everything up. it felt like we were covering up a crime scene- which really is what happened. i actually couldn't believe how calm i was... knowing how i am in the presence of blood, i trusted my latex gloves and my bottle of bleach.

and the OPD just came to talk to me and how i wish they will catch this motherfucker.

i still can't believe this... what the fuck.

ugh oh on a sunday night

2008-01-13T22:12:00.000-08:00

i woke up early today.... like around 10am.
i suppose its early for a Sunday, for me.

brunch with Camille, my new friend in San Francisco. we sat in a quaint neighborhood cafe, buzzing with hipster babies, mimosas and poached eggs. and then there was was. the sun decided to come out and shine and make us happy. as we headed with our stomachs full and our heads buzzing toward Delores Park we spotted some furniture someone left on the street. people tend to do that in San Francisco, leave a bunch of random stuff on the street for the passer by to pick up. amongst the rubbish stood the magnificent antique armoire. what to do? camille has her eyes peeled on this beauty. so i tell her to stay right there and not let anyone touch it. i flag down the first pick up that i see and explain to the nice gentleman the situation. after a few pauses and awkward glances the dude decides to help us out. he grabs the heavy piece of wood and its drawers and hauls our asses to camille's, who lived just a 5 minute drive from the spot. we were giggling the whole time, not believing what we were doing.... so typical. she thinks im crazy. the guy was very nice though, turns out he is the sue chef at a VERY expensive members only restaurant not too far from my work and invited me to come by for lunch sometime, i suppose i wouldn't mind to see what a "members only" restaurant is all about.

the day was good. i spent my afternoon browsing through thrift stores, candy lanes, and fighting with the russian ladies at the produce section on Geary at my favorite piroshki stop.

i am starting to care more and more about things like New York's relationship with Tailor Made, Brittney Spears going psycho and the new collections at Impulse at Macy's..... is this for real?

I hear Lonely Planet has its headquarters right here in Oakland, omfg. I am going to stalk them.

currently listening to Kate Nash.

new year, for real

2008-01-06T23:26:00.000-08:00

@"The Underground" with my two curly companions, not in London- but in Hermosa, so much white trash with so much money and so so much style....

it definitely feels new. i know that time is just a convention, but there is something about the 365 days slowly passing us by and as the clock strikes midnight we change, back into Cinderella, back into our old habits, back in to time. but this year i am making changes, like real changes and not just hypothetical revolution resolution day dreams.

i realized just how fast time flies when i walked into Woody's today, my local friendly laundromat where my Oaklandish buddies are a sight for the eyes and ears, an entertaining little nook if you forget for a split moment that it is, in fact, a laundromat. But back to my point... Woody's changed. They walled up a whole section of it, where the change machines were just a few weeks ago.... or maybe its been way longer since I've washed my things. And where was I not to notice that my favorite little place around the corner is remodeling? And in the day there are not enough hours, I decided that this morning as I was sweating violently in my step class(yes another new year's resolution on its way, hope i keep this one up though) i just find myself full of lists lists lists. and where is the time?

and friends are moving away to far away countries, and others are getting married, having babies, making money, having a career.... and i am just content in my cosy pink room filled with scented candles and craving to be used paint brushes.

i find myself so caught up in thinking so much of what i ought to be doing that i feel that i am missing out on actually doing! like, reading for example. i have had the hardest time getting through just one book the past few months or so, when i can easily be indulging myself in a dozen at a time.

some thing's on my mind....
i suppose what i really miss is my little group of people. i always seemed to have one, whether it was in Palos Verdes, or San Francisco, or Dublin.... its been strange to find my people again. where are they? do i scare them away? i feel that the new people i've been meeting just don't do it for me, i prefer to spend time on my own instead of with people who really make me choke every time a word comes out of them.... choke.

still reading the old stuff....
and looking for new stuff, suggestions welcomed.
back to my warm abode in this freezing city and on for another fashionable day at work, oh the glamorama.

wish list...

2007-12-26T23:26:00.000-08:00

anything scented vanilla
anything perez hilton
guitar hero 3
books books books
anything turquoise
anything Irish
a kite
a kaleidoscope
art supplies
feel good wine
anything foreign, especially films
a globe
a map
a pony
scented candles(vanilla)
cook book(anything from the food network, omg im addicted)
anything that can fit inside a tiny little box
a tea box
a cozy sweater
socks, with a fashionable design of course
anything glow in the dark (bc glow in the dark stuff is radical)
any season of 90210, The Wonder Years, and Clarissa Explains it All
Steve Madden, im an 8.5!
anything Trader Joe's

so the holidays are coming and going, and im still waiting for my own personal Santa, sometime next year... will he come? going to the city of the angels this weekend, get ready kids. check out my cherry pie, specially made for a special christmas din din with the calders. yummmm

2007-12-01T22:33:00.000-08:00

its getting cold and windy in Oakland and the tree is up, all dignified
in its beauty, never minding the fact that its plastic. and my life has become a sort of routine. early morning, walk the lake,bart to downtown, email, coffee, phone, papers, meetings... its what i was attempting to achieve and finally have it. its all about adjusting. this weekend was the first time in 1 month that i got a good night sleep. i slept for 13 hours, straight. i suppose this is how people's lives are. 9-5, dry cleaners after work, pick up the kids from school, supper, sleep and all over again. wow. i cant say thatim super stoked about this new life of mine. the job is good, can't complain, im definitely learning new skill sets and indulging myself in a field i never even considered. very posh, but i like it. and im still trying to make friends here in this familiar city, and find a nook, a coffee shop, a book club. im traveling again i suppose in some tiny little way. im happy im in the Bay, there is something about this part of California that is so irresistible to me. i am just now getting excited about life all over again. through the routine and the work and the tired days, i feel little jitters from time to time about the silliest things, like Berkeley Bowl, and fish, and museums, and Popsicles. So V is coming back to herself again. yay!! Still planning my next trip....

get off my nutts OR i'm too pretty for this town

2007-11-06T16:34:00.000-08:00

so its been a few weeks since the trip up north but i would do myself a huge dishonor to forget a blog entry.

so the trip up north was originaly set to Canada. The destination point quickly changed to Washington, then to Oregon, and finally we set off for our 3 days and 2 nights up the coast of California, never crossing any borders but perhaps experiencing a new kind of CA.

Meet the team: Yana the ballerina. Katya the other sister. And Vica, that's me

We headed off on a nice and foggy day in wonderful San Francisco. We drove up the 101 and headed through some pretty quaint towns. Garberville (a one street town stop-over), a stop for bikers, hippies, and hitchikers was an experience all in its own. We waited for almost 40 minutes for soup and sandwiches and made some amigos with the local biker dudes. Besides the tastefully decorated food joint, this town consisted of a movie theatre, a gas station, and a hemp shop. it had an eerie ghostown feel to it. its also populated by many school buses decorated in bright hippy colors catering to god knows what.

we drove on through the Avenue of the Giants. A 30 something mile drive through the redwoods. AMAZING! these trees are so BIG! Collosal! Gigantic! And they smell like life and nature and the universe really.

So after a few songs and dances with the trees we moved on through Eureka and on to Arcata, where we spent our first night. I must add that all these little towns were a bit creepy. Something eerie in the air. Lots of hippies, lots of space, not so many people. Arcata was super creepy. The Bed and Breakfast that we stayed in was definately haunted. The place looked like Adam's Family House, and I think all 3 of us would agree that Adam's family would be much more of a pleasant experience to stay with than this haunted joint. This was a very old Victorian house, with a wet smell. The place was cluttered, with matching bedsheets to wallpaper. The type of place you only hear about in scary stories or zombie movies. Up the stairs there sat a baby dall on a rocking chair surrounded by baby doll clothing hanging on the wall. This was Chucky's bride I swear.

Our room had a special baby theme, with a baby cradle and all. The most disturbing part was the bathroom, wich also had the special attic room inside of it. So when you pull the toilet paper, a little door opens(the door the paper hangs on) and inside you peek in and find a dark, creepy, cobwebby room filled with scaterred toys, clowns, and dolls. Although this place was very hospitable, we couldn't spend more than one night there, especially with the ghost touching Yana inappropriately in her sleep. We hing out, bartered at the "happening" square. We honestly only saw about 5 people on the street altogether... I was hoping this would be more of a college town as Humbolt State was just down the street, apparently they only have 2,000 students. We ended up in the only restaurant open at 9pm which was a Japanese place, and also the happening spot. Basically, anyone who was up past 8:30pm and hungry was in for sushi, and sushi only. The food was actually pretty good, the sake not so much, and an interesting mix of hippies, students, and hipsters.

We headed to Trinidad in the morning, a cute and remote little town just a bit more north with nice hiking trails and amazing views. We thought about visiting all the way up to Crescent City, but after finding out that Crescent City has a population of 3,000 not including the 4,000 high security prison inmates, we decided otherwise. We did however inquire about this place to find that the inmates are not the problem, as they are in a maximum security prison... however, the guards who live in the town are something else, and not a favorite of populations to visit....

We headed down, and ended up in my new most favorite city in CA: Mendocino. The city was great. We stayed in a rad B&B, with homemade cookies, complementary wine, and a backyard to the ocean. Mendocino is known for its fine California wines and beautiful beaches. Its only about 5 blocks total (or so it seemed) We hung out in the local Irish pub, ate fried food, got a bit tipsy, and got in on the town gossip.

I must admit that traveling in CA is so much different than what I have been doing the past half a year or so.... its a very different experience, but then again.... so is California. Lots of small towns, and I'm happy to be back in my metropolitan little life.

Currently reading: White Teath by Zadie Smith

mood is strange

2007-09-27T14:12:00.000-07:00

its strange how such simple things can completely change my mood. this morning i woke up with the same sad expression on my face, the same lethargic feeling of restlessness , and a foreboding of the day. I did my usual tea and toast and checking of the email (my goal is to spend under 5 hours on the computer today) and surprisingly i got an unexpected email from an old camp person. I don't know what powers camp has (oh i knowjca has always worked in very odd and mysterious ways) or maybe its just that im already feeling so down, but within an instant i became a completely different person. so i turned on some Ani. my most favorite of favorites and I have been avoiding her. why? sheusually gives me so much feeling of strength and motivation. i supposeit is because i didn't need her help before, so now I am turning backto my usual Ani listening, art making, eccentric and mingling self. and i am really excited about that.
im still on the prowl about what to do, where to go, what to be.... i
found this opportunity to go to S. Korea to teach English abroad and I
am so so tempted, all paid for flights and housing and salary. what is
stopping me? last night i had another dreadful talk about my future
with one of the relatives and its another "don't waste your time, you
are so lucky.. use it, you already did enough traveling, soon you will
be old with babies, blah blah" and i want to just get away from all of that. but then i look back and alot of the advice many "adults" gave me turned out to be to my benefit in the end, is this another one of those times? i dont think the war inside my head will ever end.

so i am having coffee with david today, once in 2 weeks that i will see someone besides the dwellers of this house.

where are all my friends? if they do not live in a foreign country, they have moved on, found a new muse, became "busy".

well san francisco is just days away and i am so so excited, but my only fear is that nothing will come of it. i am determined though.

missing....

2007-09-18T23:46:00.000-07:00

every day i wake up and i attempt to make a list of things that i should do for the day and in a daze and boredom, the hours just seem to pass by me and the days drift away. what a waste. i spend most of my time thinking about the way things used to be, and how i wish i can get that feeling back that i experienced at every moment of every day in Dublin. And so i sit and reminisce and dwell on the past. And I wonder... is it possible, to just take off again? I can, I easily can. And I know that the only thing that is stopping me is this whole notion of investing in the future, of setting some sort of career. what's it gonna be; shitty job, grad school, law school? i just know that at the rate that im going at the moment i won't be doing much.

not to sound too negative and miserable, im not... i was. im slowly coming out of this depressing phase and becoming a much more optimistic and carefree person, although not nearly as disinhibited as i felt over the past 6 months. I would do anything to return to my dirty 2 story flat, to my immigrant flatmates, to my favorite 4, to my ever so growing beer belly days. and now my belly is growing and beer has got nothing to do with it!

so i decided to get off my ass, after sitting on the couch for over a month. so im grabbing my junior high harlot and heading up north to my favorite canadian bacon. nothing is set in stone but like always, things seem to work themselves out. so the tentative plan is to head off early next week, hit up northern CA, Portland, Seattle, and final destination is Vancouver baby (and all the cool stuff in between.) I'm excited to let this be a great beginning of my return here in this wonderful country. I also decided to move back to San Francisco so if everything goes to my tentative plan, I will be back with my Oaklandish homies by early October for some super rad times!

so im excited, and ready to start being proactive!

currently reading:
Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky
Less Than Zero by Brett Easton Ellis
Three Comrades by Erich Maria Remarque

lazy in a rut

2007-08-26T17:56:00.000-07:00

so i have been back in lovely southern california for nearly 3 weeks now and because i am much too lazy to be creative or aww inspiring at the moment, i am just going to post an email that i wrote to Sandi today, which recaps exactly how i feel at the moment. oh and shout outs to people who
1. know a good place i can find a job
2. know any good books to read, ive got plenty of sunny days at the beach ahead of me
3. Sandi- hope you don't mind im making this public

SANDI!

i believe i was waiting for a weekend update! what the hell is going on over there?? your darling is doing ok.

im going through this phase of my life i am dubbing "what the hell am i doing, where am i going, why is time going so fast, wtf"

so i guess that kind of sums me up at the moment. i am trying to figure myself out i suppose, something ive always been doing and which i hope i never stop but im stumped at the moment. who am i at the moment? i always knew, and now im not so sure. a month ago i was a traveler, and now im a.... confused. i wish i was me 1 month ago and i am so torn from doing what i really desperately want to versus what i know i should be, or else time will catch up with me and i will be jobless and nothingness. so deep inside, actually on the surface too i wish i was traveling, with my backpack just go where the road takes me, and i know whats best for me is to figure out a career for myself, decide if grad school/law school/med school is the way, and clear my plate, decide on something and do it. but how can i when im so confused? ahh so im with my parents now, safe until my funds run out, and in search of a job. ive been looking for something that i love to do, whatever that is and i know that is like impossible for my first like real job back home, or ever really, something that i take seriously. oh sandi... i love the way i felt in Dublin, i love not knowing, i love an adventure and i feel that u felt the same way, i hope you did bc its a great feeling. is it possible for me to feel the same back home? so im on the job prowl and trying to really distinguish who i am, not by the job that i have but just by me, i feel like im back in high school again... thinking too much about myself. is it ok to be so selfish even still? i feel that the inquisitive little girl inside of me who cant stay in 1 place for too long will always be there. so thats me. im wrestless and impracticle, just thinking of places to visit, what new people i will meet, what rad new places i will see. so that is your darling. and how is my darling? I never asked you what ever happened to sharon? is she back at work? what is going on with all that drama, i feel like if im gone for more than 1 day from that lovely chair in the reception i miss out on sandi's life and i need to read a book to recap, so update! i do hope that you are doing well and i miss you so much! i swear i will be back once im some "business professional" and get a ride from all those hotties on their audi's. say hello to gary's mom for me.

miss you darling,
vica

i've moved

2007-02-26T08:25:00.000-08:00

to ireland! the country. i decided to keep this a separate blog for all you fans out there, i know there are few and far between of you guys but just in case you're still checking in, i'll be at a different blog for the next 4 months or so. you can find me here:

www.irishrubbish.blogspot.com

cheers

so sorry

2007-01-11T00:50:00.000-08:00

i've made a mess

a mess of me. a me of mess. that's all i see.
i hurt to hurt. to hurt you hurts.

and hurt just hurts my heart so spare me
spare me the guilty feelings
the regret
spare me the long look
spare the tears
and spare the sadness in your eyes

i am wicked cruel to you, i know
a wicked witch of the heart that slay you left and right

frienemies

2006-11-07T23:44:00.000-08:00

i honestly never thought that i would be in this situation. in this horrible place. this horrible feeling. the feeling that i cannot trust people, even if they are good to me. how do you know, when someone is so kind and honest and loving and... amazing really. and then they just turn on you? they turn on you and they do not even think that they turn on you. they panzie out and let their own cowardice and screwed up views on what is right and wrong get before reality and love and life and... friendship. and this is not even about friendship. its not about enemies either. its about me coming to terms with reality. we live in a capitalistic society. survival of the fittest, or check books really. money makes the world go round and i was naive. i let my own screwed up views of the world as honest and fair let me be taken advantage of and now i feel stupid and pathetic. and i'll get over it, i know. this is a lesson to be learned and a very valuable one. and still, i cannot change my own feelings. i am too honest and too fair and i forgot that... this is me. i share. i cut things in to even squares. i ask the whole group for their opinion. i put in extra for tip. my mind is in one place and my heart is in another. its hard not to take things personally. its hard not to.

people are selfish. i hope i never am.

this all makes me realize that i have amazing friends, friends who never let me down, even if they screw up... they clean up their mess and fix the hurt. friends that don't let me get bullied around. i love you all.

and for now, im moving to Oakland. 510 bitches! just for a few months and then we'll see what happens.

its not every day

2006-10-25T23:22:00.000-07:00

that you are sitting on a park bench, waiting at an airport, bus stop, or just browsing through a book store that you spot someone reading a book that you just finished, and it catches your eye. or maybe its a book that you read a while back but distinctly remember the fine book cover. you tend to grow some sort of respect for that other person reading your book and you want to come up to them and tell them how great it is and lets have coffee, because you probably have alot more in common than just a book.

well today something odd happened. i was waiting for the muni on my way to downtown from work. i was sitting on a muni bench reading. About 15 minutes later, the girl who was sitting next to me the entire time opens her book and guess what, same fucking book. even the same cover and old raggedy used book store look just like i have. she didn't even glance at me as i tried to give her some look of recognition, some ironic shrug, a smile of acceptance even. i don't think she even knew i was there. which makes the situation so much more interesting to me.

is it possible that things happen for a reason, or is coincidence the answer to all of life's such questions. i think that if there were a reason that this girl at the bus stop was reading the same exact book that i was, it would be that its a damn good book, i think Kurt Vonnegut would agree. but is it something more than just good taste in books?

there is this new show on the CW, i think, its called 6 degrees, i think. its basically about 6 different people living in New York City and although they live their separate lives they are all somehow connected to each other. its an ok show. and i wonder, are we really all connected by just 6 people? ok maybe not 6, maybe 7 or even 8. is it possible that there can be a map of everyone in the whole wide world with connections to one another through friends, acquaintances, neighbors? is everyone connected kind of like a big anti-virtual myspace rendition of friends and top 8s?

i really just wonder if this girl bought her book in the same rackety old book store in the mission district as i did. i already forgot the cross streets, but i remember the smell.

currently reading
"Slaughter House-Five" by Kurt Vonnegut
"You Shall Know Our Velocity!" by Dave Eggars
"Timothy McSweeney's"

bacon

2006-09-20T23:38:00.000-07:00

camping last weekend with the crew. well, almost all of the crew really. some were missing but hey, the crew that was there was perfect. i just have one word to describe the entire weekend: BACON

because that is what it was really all about. it was not about M and i trying to figure out how to set up a tent, although we have both set up many a tents in the past. and it wasn't about being drunk on a hike. yay for sparks. it was not about eating wild black berries on the side of the road. and it was not even about fending for our lives, or odors really, from skunks. it was about bacon. and that is all that i really have to say.

so, i decided that i love the outdoors too much. a lot more than indoors. and i love washing dishes in cold water at night in the dark and realizing in the morning that u didn't really wash anything. and i love being underneath a million stars, like all the stars in the yoooniverse right above your head. and i love making friends with hippies next door, or next camp site really. and i love going on hikes and stepping in to horse shit. and i love the smell of life. and i love to feel fantastic, like i did last weekend.

now all i need is a car to actually go more often.

plans for the future:

folsom street fair (this sunday)
grey's anatomy season premier (tomorrow night!)
mc sweeney's with dave eggars (sometime in the next month)
japan (next year)
new job (asap)
law school (in the unknown black hole of my future)
paris (soooon)

currently reading "you shall know our velocity!" by dave eggars

the real world?

2006-08-22T23:24:00.000-07:00

it has been almost 2 weeks since I graduated from college, although I am still waiting for my diploma in the mail, I am done! done done done!! and here comes the real world, or something like it. looking for a job, a real job, even a part time real job is an interesting process. within just a few months of moping around and aimlessly shoving my resume to the most random places, the shit finally hit the fan. the weird thing is.. i have not even been desperate in my search. i have only sent one formal resume out, with cover letter and all. and somehow, through word of mouth the random jobs just keeping coming in from people i know and such. now i have to juggle my way through all of them to pick and chose which ones are for keeps. today i started my first week of 9-5. it wasn't so bad. the rest of my week will be like this for my training to be a field interviewer. im really excited about this job, although its just part time, and if all goes well i will write more about it later. besides the crazy job lost and found, ive been having fun. vanessa and i did another round of double v action the other night at our favorite place in the mission, where someone stole my favorite jacket, but the night was one to go down in vv history... its rare that two very tired and lazy girls will get their asses off the couch after singing along to RENT the movie to look fabulous at a club scene. i have also been drinking more wine, this is due to the fact that 1. i am older now. 2 i got a lot of wine bottles for my bday 3. it just seems the right thing to do.

i have really just been enjoying myself and have stopped trying to figure myself out and have given up on figuring others out as well. i roll with the punches, although i wish there were not so many in my direction. its a weird feeling to be done with school and to not have a place to be and nobody pampering me with classes that need to be taken or essays to write. i am still in summer mode so i have yet to enjoy the freedom of being out of school and unemployed. wow i look forward to life.

tahoe... 2 weekends ago

currently reading "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" Jonathan Safran Foer

st. petersburg

2006-07-12T00:11:00.000-07:00

i have been brewing my thoughts about my trip to st. petersburg, russia and rethinking what exactly came of my visit. i vaguely defined my reason for visiting as a "reconnection with my roots" but i think it was more than that. i think i really wanted to prove something to myself. im not exactly sure what i was attempting to prove or disprove, but i knew that i had to go and see where i came from. and so, i went.

st. petersburg is the most beautiful place that i have ever been to (and ive been to lots of places) the architecture, the churches, the palaces, the theatres, they are all rich. rich rich rich. gold and marble and amber and precious stones. statues of past tsars and great poets on many corners of many streets. the neva, the boats, the bridges, the lights, all decorated and all glamorous from centuries and centuries ago.

looking back at any trip is much different from how the trip actually occured, it is difficultt o recall certain feelings and physical states of mind and body in retrospect. but hey, here it goes.

when we first got to the airport in St. Petersburg, we quickly learned that one of our bags was missing. it was found on a computer screen to be floating around somewhere in Charlotte... yes it was the Americans who forgot our bag but the Russians who refused to bring it to us the very next day when the bag arrived. we were so tired from the almost 24 hour trip LA-Charlotte-London-St. Petersburg, plus my mom and her enormous case of rediculit (back pain), she refused to not go on this trip although I begged her to stay home.. yeah ti was that bad, she had very big problems sitting so you can imagine the pain she endured on the plane. she entertained the crowd by standing in front of the TV and looking around the business class doing some sort of leg exercises. yes, they hated us.

so we were tired. we were happily greeted by my mom's good friend vica and her husband vova, who, by the end of our trip was my favorite character. they came on 2 cars, because vica's new Daewoo, just as many cars which people drive over there is very tiny and could barely fit the 3 of us and the bags would not fit. we rented an apartment from vica's co-worker's daughter... it was in the ohta area, which is close to where my family lived back in the day. i must admit, my mom and i were very spoiled with our apartment because it was a very very nice place for russian standards. they call it a euro remont... or european remodeling. it basically resembles those rooms you see in IKEA but alot smaller, since the apartments are compartmental compared to the ones here in the States. the very first thing that i not only noticed as different but that i remembered were the smells. the smell of the streets (cement mixed with car exhaust and the river), the smell of neighborhoods where children play, and especially the scent, or should i say odor of the paradnaya (the entrance to an apartment building). i suppose that is always the 1st thing someone notices as different but i did not imagine this would have such a great effect on me that i actually remembered a smell of a street from when i was only a little girl.

after a good night's sleep we headed out. well.. we planned to head out thinking that it would be warm as the previous day but for some reason my mom did not think to bring an umbrella. and you never know just when it might start raining. yep our first day to head out! so we braved the rainy streets and finally found a place thats sells umbrellas. by this time our shoes were all wet but we kept going with wet feet.... its too time consuming to go back and forth even though the public transportation is pretty good it is still a bit of walking.

we walked past my old house where we used to live and went to see my old elementary school.
this hand rail of my school i remember very well.

we then had to report to this place to elt them know that i have arrived and geta stamp and pay $20 and get this little piece of paper which i could not lose or else i would have problems exiting russia.

we did alot of walking. and i mean... alot. i had to actually buy myself a new pair of shoes because i was so uncomfortable with my "walking" shoes that i've had for years. i thought i already do alot of walking in san francisco.. you's think so since i do not posess a car. but i did not realize how conveneint everything is laid out for me back home. in saint petersburg, you first need to walk down 5 flights of stairs in your building, if you are with your mother that is who is deathly afraid of elevators, but i guess growing up in russia you might aquire an elevator phobia because they are really old and have a million dorrs you have to open and close and sometimes you even have to keep a button pushed until you get to your floor. after that you walk 3 long blocks to the bus. the bus takes you to the metro but you have to walk down the stairs down the loooong hall to your desired line then on the escalator which is soo long that you are on it for about 5 mins... thats a long time to be on an escalator. many people walk down the escalator (more walking) which means that you should be good about standing to the right side in case someone needs to walk past you. you after you get on the metro and u are lucky enough to get a seat, unless it is rush hour then good luck not even being pushed against the window. you get off the metro and walk the rest of the way until you get to your desired location. on top of this, if you are a woman, you are wearing very nice high heels. thats the end of that.

since i am on the topic of women and shoes. well, this is just a great phenomenon. i cannot even try to udnerstand how. i can understand why. but the how part really wows me. everyone walks in high heels. it looks painful to me. even if you are a grandmother taking your grandchild on a walk, you look nice and presentable and you are on some sort of heel. of course there were the really old ladies who wore dr. scholl type of foot wear but if you are young.. you are beautiful, blond, and russian orthodox. you also have a really nice body with a small ass and very long legs which are, again, standing on high heels. i must admit that this made a great impression on me. it was very attractive and sophisticated looking. also, there are no fat people in saint petersburg. by our standards at least. this made me feel very out of shape and out of place. i expected this but did not comprehend how fat Americans really are. or maybe we are normal.. no no, we are not normal but those Russian girls are definately all way too skinny. so you can only imagine how miserable i fealt in relation to these not only beautiful but perfect figured women. i still can't get over it.

next topic.
the family.

im not sure, again, what to expect with my family. even though it has been so long (7 years not seeing my cousin and her parents, and 14 years not seeing my dad's aunts) i was not nervous at all. i suppose that the whole blood and family aspect of it made me feel calm and i was just myself around them. my dad's aunts are just as i remember them, yes i do remember. they invited us for dinner which consisted of a very traditional and common russian table of boiled potatoes, meat, vegetable salad with sour cream, and pickles. they were very warm and welcomed us with much enthusiasm.
our first weekend we were invited on the dacha(russian summer house, i.e. outhouse and all) by my cousin's parents. they picked us up and it was very close to the city, only a 30 min drive. i loved it. it was right on the neva, it was warm, and the house itself was like a little teremok(fictitious russian house which has feet) it was 2 stories and we slept on the 2nd floor which we had to climb up to. there wer esooo many mosquitos that almost ate my alive. the house also had a garden with cucombers and dill and tomatoes growing. the outhouse was not as bad as i imagined and not at all smelly. this is when i met my cousin Liza, who is 17 and who i remember as a little girl when she came to visit us in the States. now she is a very modest and beautiful young lady who i like very much and, i think, she took a liking toward me as well. she showed me around the dacha and we walked around a lake. there were many young people at the lake in their bathing suits having bbq's and listening to Ace of Base, and Modern Talking on their boom boxes. she told me about all those great times she has on the dacha with ehr dacha friends and the camp fires and etc. very cool, i thought. so in the summer, that is what people do. go to the dacha, on the weekends at least since they work during the week. mostly because it is way too hot in the city, and also just because it is good to be in nature, even for a few days out of the week.
this is my cousin Liza and I on the dacha, tanning by the Neva.

blowing an aduvanchik on the dacha.

next phase. the food.
well i cannot say WOW beacuse i tried something new or because i was stunned by anything. but a big WOW for eating so many delicious blinchiki and so many delicious little zapikanki and so much borsh and so much of russian delicacies. no it was not anything new to me, but it was delicious never the less, oh and did i mention the kebab? ok after i ordered it once i kept wanting to go to an armenian restaurant to eat eat eat kebab (shashlik). and viola with bread. and the sour cream and the milk. all the produce tastes so much better than here, maybe ebcasue it is natural? we must have bought kalbasa every other day and eaten it up for breakfast. i didn't realize just how many blinchiki i ate, ok its like eating a hot dog every day? not very healthy, but i figured i was on vacation and could allow for it.
eating a blinchik with apples at Chaynaya Loshka (tea spoon) on Nevskiy Prospekt.

customer service.
ok not much i can say about this because it does not really exist. people will be rude to you, bottum line. but don't take anything close to heart because it does not seem like anyone does. maybe i am only perceiving them as rude, coming from sunny CA where the sun always shines and the smiles never fade and the polite people just seem to smother me with fakeness... maybe i am too used to happy friendly smiling people. i was waiting at the produce market for this lady to finish putting some bottles up so i can ask her to cut me a piece of kalbasa but she just would not pay any attention to me. i was the only one waiting and she did not even turn around to look at me, though i was sure she saw me. i waited for abour 5 mins, not wanting to interrupt her when thos other cutomer comes in and asks her if she is open. she turns around and with an angry voice says "yes im open! but if you just stand there and not say anything i will not help you!!" so i got mad and walked out. it seems like people who work in places like this, even in restairants are not trained to be nice to the customers. also we were in a super market (ok SUPER, you people shop at baby markets compared to this one) looking for some specific wine when an employee ooverhears us looking for it and just starts yelling at us about why we do not know that July 1st is coming soon blah blah, you people are annoying me with all these questions, blah blah. well, apparently starting July 1st there is some new regulations with expensive wine and the wine companies need to send their bottles out to have them stamed or stickerd or something that ordinary people just don;t know or, frankly, care about. also the girl at the check out rolled her eyes at us and told us in a very annoyed voice that we did not have enough credit on the card (my mom's friend olga took us to this particular market where u use a store credit type of card instead of a credit card or cash).

ok so i think i covered alot (not all, im realizing this will take forever if i even try to) but i ahve not yet dwelved into the culture, the history, the art. The most important stuff, right?
so, here it goes. i have been learning about russian history since the day i was born and yet, i lack so much knowledge about it. that is why i got a book from the captain (thanks scarlett) all about russia and have failed to read it before my trip, as i had hoped. i couldn;t even get past Peter I. but, regardless, certain history i know of, of course and sometimes get this weird uncomfortable feeling when learning of a new aspect of russian history, because it mostly has to do with some sort of genocide or revolution or war. being right there, in a country, a city even with so much history and so much to tell just in its buildings and the faces of the people reality gave me a reality check.
posing with Pushkin.

in front of the Kresiravrora, the ship that signaled the beginning of the revolution in 1917 by making the first fire. an unplanned visit with our "interesting" tour of the city, by bus.

inside of Petrapalovskoya krepast'

The Winter Palace.
where all the royalty is buried.

Yekaterina's garden.

gates by Spas na Kravi.

Rastral'naya Kalona.

inside of Isakivskiy Sabor, everything inside is made out of marble.

view from the top of Isakivskiy Sabor.

the love scene
everyone in st. petersburg seems to be in love. holding hands, kissing, kissing, more kissing. i even began counting the number of couples that i saw, and soon lost track. everyone seems in love and happy. at first this was cute, then it got annoying and i began to detest these couples. its not that they harm me in any way, but they kiss and touch and kiss each other everywhere, whether u are on the metro, in a park, just walking down the street.. you will see some love birds expressing their affection. some people told me this is so out in the open because people have no where else to go. families are already crammed into a tiny apartment as it is, having a boyfriend around can be a challenge, so.. they are open about it.

long lost freindship
i had a best friend Veronica in 1st grade and we kept in touch for about 4 or 5 years after i moved. we have not seen each other since we were 8 years old. i made up my mind that i would find her. i worked up my courage to call her, fearing that i would not be polite on the phone with my broken Russian and finally dialed her old phone number. When I finally got a hold of Veronica(a week long persuit), she had guessed right away who this girl was(me) that kept calling her. She was very friendly on the phone and we made a date to meet right away. I must say that I almost forgot what she looked like, but when I saw her her facial features resembled some of what I slightly remember. She is the most cool girl that I have met on my visit. its true. i thought that it would be awkward since we are practically strangers and here i am pulling an "everything is illuminated" type of scene. she seemed as excited to meet me as i was to meet her. it turns out that she is also studying psychology. she was just very easy to get along with and asked me alot of questions that most people did not. when i hung out with others my age, there was almost like a type of cloud above us, i cant really explain the feeling but there was a feeling of "us and them," like i am from some other world and they are from russia. but Veronica was chill. we talked about school, friends, hobbies, etc. we met one other time and she insisted on treating me to eizebaijan food. sooo delicious (more shishka bab). if anything, i made a new old friend.

its werid looking back at my trip. everything happened so fast. while i was there i just could not get comfortable. i could not understand the pace of life. i was on vacation, and everyone else was doing their everyday routine. i did want to go home at one point. i felt that i did not belong. i felt lost in a city which speaks my language. and at the same time i felt a "home" type of feeling. seeing the old babushki sitting on the benches was comforting. smelling the food and especially eating it was comfortable and scrumtuous as well. the smells, the sounds, the sights all brought feelings of nastalgia mixed with curiosity and some sort of longing to belong. and most important, my family made me feel like i can fit in very easily.. although i know that would be a very difficult task. did i like it? yes. did i love it? yes. will i go back? i certainly hope so. and yet again its difficult not to compare my old life with my new life. i think that it is almost impossible to suppose all the whats and hows. i love my life and would not want to change things as they are right now.
and somehow i miss st. petersburg. maybe its the beauty of the city, or just more of me that wants to explore more of... me, where i came from, what i could have been, how i can be more of me. im not sure exactly what the driving force is but i definately learned alot on my trip. for example, now i understand why russians in the States eat sushi. this is mainly due to the fact that russians in russia eat sushi. you will see a sushi restaruant almost on every corner where restaurants exist. there is even a place called "yaposhka" (its like "jap" in english), its a chain. also, i see now why russian ladies in California (i have not seen them in other states) dress the way they do. (leopard skin purse, big white hair and the whole shibang) well... that is kind of how they look in russia. except over there they fit in and look good. here they just look out of place i think. this in not all that i learned of course. i learned many things about myself, about my family, and about my culture (the culture of vica) because even though im russian, i am also american and i am also a hippie and a food addict and an ani fan and a dreamer and a skeptic and a soon to be lawyer(not so soon actually). st. petersburg made a big impression on me and i am almost envious of those who live there, as many there are probably envious of where i live. i will see you soon st. petersburg, you just wait.

bullet holes from the Revolution on Spas na Kravi

i was constantly taking pictures of Lenin, and I have too many of him... a bit surprised but he is very much every where.
<--- me again right in front of our old apartment building beautiful fountains in Petergof, the tsars' dacha. not bad huh?

the inside of Spas na Kravi, its all mosaic. speechless when u walk inside.

Petergof. Another place where the tsars would live.

"Fast Food"

me on a boat trip. the city is manily made of canals and bridges, u will always be surrounded by water... almost always.

my favorite picture. around 1am waiting for the tramway.

me on my old monkey bars in our dvorok. weeee!

was Neil Young at your graduation?

2006-06-01T00:11:00.000-07:00

ladies and gentlemen, there is a grad on the way. and it is me. i only have 6 more weeks of schooling and my diploma and my "freedom" to work/sell myself is at liberty. finals were tough. so tough but i think that i have gained the power and knowledge of how to cut corners and waste my time all up until the last 2 days that my 35 page statistics report is due. why have i not had these skills prior to attending college? life would have been so much easier. this is what i have learned.
my graduation was more than i had anticipated, as i have been to many. this one was unique in so many ways. first of all, there were 4 thousand students graduating and 12,000 in the audience. it only took us an hour to walk out on the field and sit down. luckily i was in the front of the line. the speakers were moving. i felt like i was at some political rally. this was a breeding ground for recruitment of agents of social reform. this was san francisco in a nut shell. am i sad to go? yes. but excited yet anxious for the next chapter of my life. i have no plan yet, and i know september is soon. i have been lost in thought about the past, about the future mostly, but now want to put all that aside and just concentrate on the present. the present entails eating alot of really good food and finishing my research project.

plans for the next 5 years :

Russia
India
Paris
Brazil
New Orleans
New York (p-s ur coming with me)
California
must have at least 2 lovers in each place.
at least one bar where i can easily be recognized as a local or a friend of a local and given free drinks in each place
become one of those really physically active people
drink alot of really good wine
eat alot of really good food
meet alot of really good looking people
pass the LSAT
attempt to support myself
get a second job
be modest
get what i want
make friends
see old friends
see old friends again

i will be happy if i check at least 3.

"Live from Death Row"

2006-05-05T11:12:00.000-07:00

The book “Live from Death Row” by Mumia Abu- Jamal stunned and perplexed me all at the same time. I think it is not that I was not aware that discrimination and abuse happens in prisons, I never really thought of it. I was both shocked and not shocked when reading of the brutalities of peace officers and prisons guards that Mumia describes. I was shocked because the specific ways in which prisoners are physically and mentally abused never crossed my mind, such as the gruesome and inhumane beatings, medicine abuse, and the racist realities of prison life. I was not shocked at the same time because when I think of prison life, I generally think of some of the things that Mumia writes of, but not in detail, and reading what actually happens put me in reality check. It is just not right. I do not know a lot about prisoners and prisoner rights, but as Mumia portrays life on death row, they have no rights. Not only do they not have rights, they are degraded to animal like living conditions and subject to inhumane treatment from the employees of the government, mainly the guards working at the prisons. What struck me most about this book, and which is one of the main themes is the inequality here in the United Sates of race. Black people in the United States have no voice, none. And once they are sent to prison or on death row, the likelihood of being heard is zero. The instances, which Mumia spoke of in terms of racial discrimination, are just a few but their intensity is overwhelming. Even his court case and his perpetual battle for a fair trial is a demonstration of the severe racial problems in our society.

What I do not understand is why this is going on. This is also the question that Mumia asks. The problem starts not in the prisons, but in society. If society were somewhat fair, the problems of race would be less of a problem in the prisons. By the way African Americans get treated in this country one would think that we have not yet progressed since the times of slavery. Because organizations such as the Black Panther Party even exist to protect the lives of African Americans in the Unites States should ring bells for all Americans. But still people chose to hate and to use their power against a group of people that is being portrayed as violent, by sending them off to prisons and painting a picture of Black and White. I do not think that most people are purposefully trying to be racist; it is the government that paints a picture of America that affects its citizens. For example, I had a conversation with a friend of mine about the overwhelming amount of African Americans in prisons, but African Americans make up only 11 percent of the population in the U.S. We argued, what my friend did not understand is the racism that America poses on this minority group. All he saw was that African Americans make up most of the prison population; hence they must commit more crimes and are more violent. What I see is a power struggle. I asked my friend, are they committing more of the crimes, or are they being stigmatized and incarcerated more for the same crimes? But the idea that African Americans are violent and frightening is the cold feeling that I get from society, from the media, even from some of my peers.

This book, and many like it demonstrate to me the deficiencies in our current government to protect and to honor all citizens, Black or White. Distributive, procedural, and retributive justices play no role in the African American’s life. Distributive justice is lacking as in the case of the African American grandmother who’s home was bulldozed without a warning. Procedural justice is lacking in courtrooms throughout the country, where inexperienced and underpaid lawyers and an unfair un due processed jury define the fate of African Americans. And finally, retributive justice is lacking when a mob of peace officers at a “corrections” facility brutally beat a handcuffed prisoner with batons. I hope more people read Mumia Abu- Jamal’s book and help prevent the injustice and discrimination not only in the current prisons, but also in every day life of all Americans

the creepiness factor

2006-04-25T23:45:00.000-07:00

There is just something about "no" that people just don't understand.

Last night was the beginning of very strange and creepy things. It must have been a full moon, cuz it just makes me think that the earth must have stopped turning for just a mille second, and some weird force, call it god if you will, decided to play games. With me.

late night at work. things were going smoothly. ive calculated in my head how long it would take to disinfect and clean the entire place until i bid it farewell. creepiness comes in and messes me up on time. this big, fat russian/ armenian, im not exactly sure what ethnicity guy/man comes in like he friggin owns the place.

after ordering 4 sandwiches, a rarity. im not sure if he ordered them all to himself or for his amigos but i really didn't have enough time to think this through once he asked me 1. do u speak russian? and when it was a "yes" he asked me 2. are u married?

now, i usually think quick but, the honest person in me forgot that creepiness can be right across the counter so i told him the truth, no i am not married. this was followed by a near 40 mins of hanging around the cafe, persisting to pick me up after work, and to get my number. I really should have just made up some lame excuse about how i have a yeast infection at the time and the thought of him makes my vag irritated, not to mention makes my eyes irritated as hell... but hey don;t want to piss off the customer. i really have explored the many many possibilities of saying in a kind and polite way "get the fuck out of my face." once the owner came, the dude laid off a bit but still persisted to harass me at which point i finally told him that we will probably never see each other again.

i hope that holds true. but just as i thought that creepiness has left the building a very new and very creepiness walked through the door. now, this person has never been weird before, just another russian guy who is friendly and probably doesn't;t have a girlfriend but really wants one and gets his coffee and leaves but not last night. last night he was very very happy for some unknown reason. leaving me a 3 dollar tip for a $2.50 cup of latte was 3 bucks more than i wanted from him once he decided to hang around the counter and, well... watch me work. this watching/staring was fashined by questions such as "hey do you have any stockers at work" and once i told him i have plenty but thanx, he still would keep standing there, watching me make other people's coffee. even when i went to the other side of the counter to wash some dishes, he followed and remained in a creepiness like stalker stage. wtf?? i mean i am ok with occasional flirting and a 1-2 min conversation about nothing, but this was just a bit much.

i really have never been watched. and even that he knew that i knew that he was watching me, he still persisted to harass me. like, why do u creepy people even think u have a chance?

this creepiness followed by another at around 11:30pm when i was mad tired and ready to fall asleep when a muttering dude walks up to the coffee shop, which is already closed. he talked for like 5 mins about the YMCA and Father John and being locked out of his mother's house. Like for real dude, what do ya need? Get to the point?

Is there something about me that attracts creepiness?
Am I headed for a life of bizarre people, in a bad way that is?
Will I develop turrets?
------------------------------

Everything else is pretty good. I've had a few weeks of rebelling against my studious self (evil laugh) here are a few pictures to recap my most recent life experiences.

Escaping life at Baker Beach..... so warm.
Ok, so when there is a party at a club themed 80's prom party, you just might be the only one who dresses up...
playing pool at Bitter End with my home-girl. Like, literally, shes a girl who live in my home.

just not enough of that Scorpion bowl.

reading: "everything is illuminated" by foer

1:48am monday night

2006-04-11T01:43:00.000-07:00

i M aaesome,m i am drunjk, i spke spanish tonght. who else gers pissed on a monday nguiht> i can hardly see the letter son the keyboard. i love everyone. i love love love life. i love friends, i love song, i love those weirsd moment when i wish i disspearewd. trader smas never let me diown, sorry fred i never sai good by but thanks for all thsoe free drink i hope i tipped u ok, cuz i was running low on 1 dollar bills. vanessa i love u, u are awesome, we need to druink more, like evry day. i love love u pULNE , SCAR, all of u . allllllllllllll. i wanna say so much but im not allowed, bv of stereotyopes bc of expectations but how i wish to be free to be myself to be what i want to a and to be desirious of everything at the same time. bc i want.... ice cream, rocku road and those childgood fanrasies they are fake, right? stats tomorrow moring,.

currently listenin to regina spektor

i love u life.
i love u everyone
we are just odd odd people
and im somehwere there, to keep the oddness.

and sometimes life gives you this

2006-03-21T18:47:00.000-08:00

i love my life.

ive been ridiculously busy lately, deadlines, dirty laundry, blisters on my feet, out of clean socks, looking in the mirror and seeing the same lame thing.

but somehow im still so happy. maybe ive moved on to this bigger and better level of my life where i accept things. or maybe its just the happy music on my iPod even though its hailing as i jump on the bus each day. whatever it is, i like.

or maybe its because in the past week ive been in a bar, a coffee shop, in a research lab, in a book, in a co-op, in denial, in some very very awkward situtaitons, in doubt, in someone else's shoes, in and out of my mind.

i need to figure out wat will happen to me after graduation, which is August(OMFG), not because im in a hurry, but because if i dont figure it out soon, i wont have a place to live, or to go, or anything to do. i want to travel, be spontaneous, everything i ever wanted, it will happen after graduation. ill be a traveling B.A. sounds funny. if anyone can direct me to a place, a website, an organization where i can find some kind of job or volunteer work that is not in CA or even in the country i will be forever greatful.

for now i write my short paper on procedural injustice.
currently reading "50 ways to support lesbian and gay equality" by marah and watrous

i am socially awkward

2006-03-16T23:32:00.000-08:00

2am and i don't want to go to bed

2006-03-14T01:51:00.000-08:00

because i had too much coffee at work. and i had too much stuff to do today and coffee, well... it works. my mind has been invaded. yes. by some unusually attractive thoughts. i cant share them, i might be way too embarrassed, but i must say that living inside my head is not too shabby at times. ive been negative lately. but not in a negative way. i want things that i cant have. or maybe tis that i can have them but i will not allow myself to. or maybe its that i dont know if i can get them so i dont even try. sad. sad. ive been all up in social justice. ive been taking marvelous courses on the subject and im actually considering law. not to be a sleazy short skirted Aly McBeal, but to enforce some, social justice if you will, into the already corrupt system. i didnt even know how many awful things are going on in the world, how could i have been so oblivious? and none of them are unforeseen such as an earthquake and sometimes a break up(although most times u can see it u just ignore the signs). but i have been very unhappy with the way things are. i went to court, a little drunk, but either way, i went to check out the scene with some of my classmates. i can see myself wearing that black toga, or whatever the judges wear, saying stuff, sounding important. im getting off track.

i also made a new resolution to drink every day. i know i may turn into an alcoholic, but i wont really drink every day. i might have a glass of wine every once in a while to ease things up. why shouldn;t i take advantage of life's precious gifts? i learned somewhere that sleep deprivation is similar to being under the influence of alcohol. Maybe that's why im rambling so much.

how can someone be "under the influence"? Nobody forced them. If anything is under influence its the alcohol, not the person. Politics.

finished reading: Nickel and Dimed by Barbara Ehrenreich (exceptionally good, totally recommend)

polka dot delight

2006-02-21T22:39:00.000-08:00

i've started a habit friday night. dress up in your living room and chill out with a bottle of wine. followed by a night of free drinks down the street and a midnight pizza delivery, wondering how come i paid for the whole thing and somehow all the pieces dissapeared. can't really share anything new and exciting. i feel... unreal? i feel like there are all these people in my past who are also part of my present and definately will be a part of the future who have certain expectations of me. But they are not here. they don't really see me change, they still expect. expect to expect really. i dont want to expect and truthfully i have no desire to explain what the hell this all means, to anyone. not even to you. im not really sure who you is. maybe its me. maybe its a sign of schizophrenia? must be.

ive grown a much deeper appreciation for psychology.
i can explain what an analysis of variance is both definitionally and computationally.
i can watch american idol and call everyone on that show a whore and be completely satisfied with my night.
i can listen to the french anthem, i think? someone planted it on my computer. how absurd.
i can remember faces.
i can leave half bitten pieces of chocolate in a nicely packaged candy box on the coffee table.
i can do alot of cool stuff.

playa del carmen

2006-02-06T20:19:00.000-08:00

So Mexico was wonderful to me again. This time, the weather was a bit cloudy, but i got my uneven tan as always. The most exciting part was when I sprained my foot (see below) thankfully it was on the last day. Still wearing an aircast :-( I decided that I will marry rich and move to the Carribean, drink margaritas and do absolutely nothing for the rest of my life, or at least until I find a new hobby. How I love to do absolutely nothing.

im still in denial about how swolen my foot got. its not that bad!

these were the "cenotas" beautiful beautiful caves with fresh water where you can snorkle.

TULUM. The Mayan ruins. AKA : the place where I hurt my foot. And maybe after a few maragritas too.

5th avenue at Playa del Carmen, like in NY. except without fancy stores. here is a lamp maker carving a beautiful lamp.

all i want is to roll down a grassy hill

2006-01-31T23:48:00.000-08:00

in the midst of a slow and steady attitude i feel a rush. im not sure why i let myself get some crazy ideas and then dwell on them. i used to feel so unruly, so overly independent and never constraint. the infinity of my desires has suddenly become a finite reality. and still i want that old feeling back, that oblivious bubble of happiness gives me comfort. there are people who live their lives in very abnormal ways. abnormal meaning that which is not the normal. i like that. if that was me, i think id be ok with being someone who i never thought was me, but someone whom i find comfort in. i never did realize just how much i am concerned with how i am seen and heard by others and the more i notice my insecurities the more i don't care.

i looked at myself in the mirror today and saw a girl with brown curls, a tan, an expressionless expression. i like to think of people more in those terms, rather than as doctors or mothers or boys or girls. is it possible to be negative but positive at the same time? my dilemma is that a lot of things piss me off and i am pretty outspoken about those things. but i dont let that ruin my attitude, im still a happy camper who loves to love. maybe there is a grey area in which i belong. can i ever keep a single train of thought? no.

current mood:

day dreaming

2006-01-17T15:13:00.000-08:00

the past few days i have been feeling like an adult. its a strange feeling that's fleeting at times. but it gives me this overwhelming sense of self and an obscure feeling of independence. maybe its because i somehow made certain assessments about my life and for the first time feel okay about who i am and where im headed for, or not headed for. if we can all just somehow accept who we are and take things for its face value, life, as it seems to me, would be more enjoyable for everyone. am i actually an adult? i don't know, but does it really matter, what defines an identity, if i feel it then it must be real, right? and if i never become something of my desire, then so what? and what is my desire? and if my desire is to have no desire, is that possible? then why can't people just accept that. can i plan to not plan? i want to be one thousand people at the same time, and be in one thousand places, and be with one thousand others, and have one thousand dreams every single night, all at the same time. but everybody plays pretend. and i don't want to play pretend any more. and at the end of each chapter of my life i think "stupid girl", but really i was just trying to figure myself out. and what's the point?

currently reading:

The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath (re-reading)
The Unabridged Jouranls of Sylvia Plath
A Passage to India by E.M. Forster
The History of Russia by Nicholas V. Riasanovsky

"not being with you is like not being able to eat those cookies which are really good"

2006-01-04T23:16:00.000-08:00

i was looking through my old high school year book tonight. wow. everybody looked so perfect and skinny and happy and... was i perfect and skinny and happy too? it was funny to read what people wrote in my year book, they all seemed to have a couple of things in common, if a stranger was reading it they might think that i was a drunk of some sort. WHAT HAPPENED? in a way i wish i was back, and in so many others i want to move forward. i have moved forward. i think to myself that high school was a joke, but was it really? it was a joke in the sense that i laughed alot and then again... and then again i really can't recall. if i had a time bubble, id warp myself back to those days, just to see myself. sitting by the pool, tanning, playing pool in the club house, driving my little z, playing loud music on a beat up speaker, yelling in my car, dancing on cars, climbing things while highly intoxicated, getting coffee in pajamas after a long night of drinking while looking at pictures, sitting at starbucks during 1st period, finding a damn parking spot, sitting in the back of the class, thinking how silly everyone is, not thinking about the future, going to the hill, the beach, ooooh the beach....

it really puts me in a time bubble when i look at that year book, a sweet and sour type of feeling. can i be at two places at the same time? please? if i were god i would definately have invented that. so maybe i should put that book away and come back to it once i re- invent post its and am getting ready for my high school reunion.
oooh the memories.

something about nothing

2005-12-21T00:00:00.000-08:00

One thing that I don't understand about life is that things perpetually change. Yes I understand that change is constant. I take it back. I do understand it, it bothers me somehow. I understand the changes in evolution, in the ozone layer, in bacteria. But one change i don't understand is the human mind. Why must we make so many decisions and end up forgetting where we started? Am I speaking for all of us, or just myself? Or is it age? Do we learn new things and change our minds whilst growing older. In a way it scares me. Something that made so much sense to me 4 years ago is either long forgotten or completely renovated. My mind is but a season changing. And somehow I still come back to the beginning. To think that I had it all figured out, where I'm going to live, who I'm going to marry, what color car I'd be driving. Or did I? I remember thinking that I had nothing figured out. Am I imagining things that never existed? And now its all changed. I prefer a bicycle anyway and the color doesn't matter. It doesn't bother me that my dreams have changed its meaning. I kind of like this game of pretend and then pretend again. So in the end, what will happen? What is the point of making plans and imagining myself in the future if I will change my mind over and over again? Or is it necessary to get to the next step? And what about my friends? And all the people in my life. Will they disappear? Will their plans perpetually change just as mine and one day we will long forget about each other? I hope not. Sometimes, its just so hard to spread a thought out on a page, it never quite comes out like intended.

Currently reading "The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath" (amazing amazing amazing)

i forgot i like poetry

2005-12-19T00:38:00.000-08:00

Daddy
by Sylvia Plath

You do not do, you do not do
Any more, black shoe
In which I have lived like a foot
For thirty years, poor and white,
Barely daring to breathe or Achoo.

Daddy, I have had to kill you.
You died before I had time --
Marble-heavy, a bag full of God,
Ghastly statue with one gray toe
Big as a Frisco seal

And a head in the freakish Atlantic
Where it pours bean green over blue
In the waters off the beautiful Nauset.
I used to pray to recover you.
Ach, du.

In the German tongue, in the Polish town
Scraped flat by the roller
Of wars, wars, wars.
But the name of the town is common.
My Polack friend

Says there are a dozen or two.
So I never could tell where you
Put your foot, your root,
I never could talk to you.
The tongue stuck in my jaw.

It stuck in a barb wire snare.
Ich, ich, ich, ich,
I could hardly speak.
I thought every German was you.
And the language obscene

An engine, an engine,
Chuffing me off like a Jew.
A Jew to Dachau, Auschwitz, Belsen.
I began to talk like a Jew.
I think I may well be a Jew.

The snows of the Tyrol, the clear beer of Vienna
Are not very pure or true.
With my gypsy ancestress and my weird luck
And my Taroc pack and my Taroc pack
I may be a bit of a Jew.

I have always been scared of you,
With your Luftwaffe, your gobbledygoo.
And your neat mustache
And your Aryan eye, bright blue.
Panzer-man, panzer-man, O You --

Not God but a swastika
So black no sky could squeak through.
Every woman adores a Fascist,
The boot in the face, the brute
Brute heart of a brute like you.

You stand at the blackboard, daddy,
In the picture I have of you,
A cleft in your chin instead of your foot
But no less a devil for that, no not
Any less the black man who

Bit my pretty red heart in two.
I was ten when they buried you.
At twenty I tried to die
And get back, back, back to you.
I thought even the bones would do.

But they pulled me out of the sack,
And they stuck me together with glue.
And then I knew what to do.
I made a model of you,
A man in black with a Meinkampf look

And a love of the rack and the screw.
And I said I do, I do.
So daddy, I'm finally through.
The black telephone's off at the root,
The voices just can't worm through.

If I've killed one man, I've killed two --
The vampire who said he was you
And drank my blood for a year,
Seven years, if you want to know.
Daddy, you can lie back now.

There's a stake in your fat black heart
And the villagers never liked you.
They are dancing and stamping on you.
They always knew it was you.
Daddy, daddy, you bastard, I'm through.

the little voices inside my head are talking to me again

2005-12-13T00:17:00.000-08:00

2 finals down. 2 to go. i think that the caffeine from yesterday morning is still wearing off. this has been the hardest semester so far. no im not complaining, im just merely listening to the little voices inside my head. are the voices part of my unconscious? speaking of which, today i had my final in clinical psychology and i was going over some material with some classmates, in a hysterical mood of course because it was already the second final of the day and i was tripping not only on coffee but just in general. lesson to be learned: vica don;t deal with stress. anyway, so we were going over Freud's psychosexual stages. And I, a who studied the stages since psychology 101 have them down pretty well. i bluntly spit them out but since i was in a neurotic state altogether (after sitting through a devastating 3 hours of clicking on my cps remote and almost falling asleep in my sexual variations final trying desperately to not think about one way analysis of variances) i kind of yell the stages out

ORAL
ANAL
PHALLIC
LATENCY
GENITAL

this was, going to be on the final but my dear classmate reminded me that he did not wish to hear about what i did last night and that we should get back to studying. i really wish i can sit here and talk about Freud, because i honestly believe that the man was a genius. Yes he said some absurd things and that a lot of them do not apply to life today, but he will forever go down in my book of "Vica's book of people who rock." I am hoping to pick up a good book about the sex obsessed man and learn more about his genius.

on a different note, i find myself really in a neurotic state, not just when im on high doses of caffeine but in general. i have these crazy outbursts where i say the most random things, and its not really cute either... its random, and sometimes i say it in the middle of talking, completely changing the subject, interrupting myself. is it possible to have two brains? is there a little me inside of me somewhere? am i a me inside a bigger me? does this rambling show as proof of what i mean? or is it just the lack of sleep.

last night i met up with a school mate to study and we planned to meet at this coffee shop called Evolution. she got there before i did and kept calling me asking exactly where it is, she had a hard time finding it. when i got there she told me that apparently the place is not there anymore, it turned into a restaurant. she even went inside the jamba juice to ask where this Evolution place was and the jamba guy gave her a jerk smile and told her its up the block. jerk! i was mad! she was mad! so of course i walk into jamba for directions to evolution, he gives me his jerk smile and points me in the same direction. i played stupid and bluntly asked him why he gave my friend the wrong directions. jerk.

statistics final tomorrow.

sometimes i say something and then i think "wow im fuckin awesome"

2005-12-08T21:04:00.000-08:00

so its been a while since i last wrote. mostly, i don't have much to write about. its true! ive been completely submerged with finals and do not have any free floating thoughts. but i must insist on myself to keep spitting some of my geniusness out because my brain, if well dissected can be put in a museum one day for many to gawk at and point. yep ladies and gentlemen, im brilliant. i take this narcissistic turn because honestly, why the hell not? all my friends tell me that im a nerd, so i am curbing my attitude to its limits. so im going to back track a bit to the weekend before thanksgiving. my dad's surprise birthday. wooooow. seems like so long ago, but basically since it was a surprise, i had to secretly go to school, down my quesadilla on my way to bart, run to the airport, get picked up in burbank, get dressed in the car (im exagerating) and yell "surprise." i think my dad was more surprised by the 40 something people all related to him in some way sitting in the restaurant that when he saw me he was a bit overwhelmed. but the party was a success for my mom and sister who so thoroughly planned this surprise. i found myself in a deja vu the next friday of thanksgiving, in the same restaurant, for my uncles birthday. this place is owned by my cousin and apparently its the new russian hang out spot. its always a russian restaurant for some reason.

fastforward

on my bed listening to joni mitchelle.
i think im really turning into a hippie. i give people evil stares when they walk straight past a perfectly huggable tree and do not even acknowledge its existence.
give hugs.
give love.

currently listening to: fiona apple "extraordinary machine"

In loving memory of Asher Sirkin

2005-11-21T17:25:00.000-08:00

today i said goodbye to one of my good friends. i never expected this. nobody did. i never thought that i would be praying with everything i have, all my heart and soul to keep him alive for just a little longer. ive always prayed for him, but never was i so desperate in my thoughts and prayers. im not ready to let go. but there is really nothing i can do (and how i wish i could) to change the situation. wow. a big wow. i miss your smile, your wit, your long warm hugs. just as the rabbi said before us all, id go around collecting years from people that they would gladly give up for you until i reach one thousand. i tried to save my tears because i knew you'd frown at my red, wet face. but i am sorry, i couldn't hold them in. you. you gave me so much meaning in my life. you always carried this peaceful aura, you could walk into a room, and somehow everything would be o.k. you always brought the best out of everyone, always putting yourself last. you never ushered a complain, not even through the toughest times. i always heard "im so much better" with promise in your voice, and i believed you. i believed you even when you were at your hardest and most painful times. its too surreal to get the unwanted phone calls, the repulsive feelings, the dreaded sorrow. but i know you picked your moment, you finally did what you needed to do for yourself.
i want to thank you, for everything that you were. always a smile on your face, and its always a real one, from ear to ear. one time i asked you what you wanted to do with your life, your future. you told me you were not sure, because you never thought you had a future. but if i can live the rest of my life like you have lived your short one, i would be the happiest person in the world, because i know that you were. i can go on and talk about all the wonderful things that you have done for so many people in your life, but i think the list is endless. you gave so much love. ive never met someone with so much compassion, so much to give.
you used to call me and say "hello my wife, how are the kids" and id give you an update. id always say "i thought they were with you this weekend!" and you would say you lost them. you always listened, i always had to go first and spill my life to you before you told me about yours.
i don't think the word 'amazing' does you justice. when i think of you i always smile, because i can just imagine you doing something completely goofy, or striking some silly pose. i want to be a better person, i want to be more like you, because i think that we often get so self involved that we forget about what really matters. and you always, always knew the important things in life. you have perpetually inspired me, and that is what i want to share with the rest of the world. i want to share Asher with everyone that i meet and give the kind of love and friendship that you did to everyone.
as we were driving in to the cemetery i was so scared. i didn't want you there. as we drove in a group of birds flew up and led us to where you were. i know that was you watching over us, telling us that its ok. i know because the feeling was mutual. and i know that you will always be watching over me, my little guardian angel. i love you Asher, you always knew that.

and I thought that working on a friday night would suck

2005-11-14T00:31:00.000-08:00

however, this particular friday night, as i volunteered myself to work turned out amusingly eventful. This friday I was completely and utterly bored at worked. It was a slow night, and literally, I got about 50 cents in my tip jar. I sat at the employee table, which isn't officially the employee table but its the closest to the work station and all the employees claim it at their shift. So I was sitting and reading up on Lazarus and something about the stress response when I see the party bus pull up across the street. The party bus in SF is very much like many party buses everywhere. Its a bus that goes around to many different bars in the city and it just so happens that the last stop is across the street, our very friendly tikki bar. It always amazed me why on earth this bus even comes here, a residential neighborhood. As the evening was winding down I got a call from my manager who was standing across the street waving to me. He just wanted me to wave back. I was more than eager to see him drunk across the street. As I was closing up these two russians in their late thirties, early forties come in.
In Russian:
Hi what's your name?
vica
My name is victor, doesn't that have a good ring to it?
ugh (weird awkward expression on my face)
Can I have your phone number?
no
blah blah blah can I have your phone number?
I'm seeing someone (I don;t know how to say boyfriend in russian)
but in the future when you are not seeing anyone I want to call you
i am very busy right now

thus i kept to my work and asked them to leave once the clock stroke the hour and forcefully locked the door behind them. So after work, Brett ( a coworker) and I headed over across the street to see our manager drunk. Sadly, he wasn't there any more, but our favorite bartender was, which made the night oh so much better. The place was more packed than I have ever seen it, and surprisingly Brett and I found 2 seats at the bar. Right away I hear my name, and who else but the annoying russian guy from an hour before.

EXHIBIT A
vica, would you like to have a drink with me?
thank you but i am with someone, and i point to my friend

So the night went on, vlad came with a friend. I called up Michael who also joined us and the place got even more packed once the second party bus arrived. I was surrounded by men. I don't know what happened to sick russian guy but he must of noticed me and my entourage and left. an hour or so later, for some reason it was just Michael and i sitting at a table. out of no where sick russian guy reappears. he spots me and sits down, without being invited to.

EXHIBIT B
would you like to have a drink
thank you but i am with someone (at which point i felt rude to not introduce him to michael)
this is michael (and with a complete loss of command of the russian language i say...) we live together. (but seriously, in russian i don't even think the word 'roommate' even exists. you either live at home or with your grandmother. That's just how it works)

at this point he is still not leaving me alone, but probably thinks i am a complete whore. he walks away.

EXHIBIT C
vlad comes and puts his arm around me.

yes, he definitely thinks im a prostitute.
oh and when i asked my favorite bartender to make me something strong and sweet, but not too sweet, i didn't think he'd take me seriously.

sometimes

2005-11-10T23:56:00.000-08:00

the world comes tumbling down. your stress professor tells you that if you don't exercise you will die. so you rush to the gym straight after class for an hour of step aerobics. your out of breath. is it time? is this what he was talking about? is this what he meant when he said that every week of exercise lost, is a week lost forever. but sometimes the world tumbles in a different way. sometimes you screw up on an exam. you get a letter of rejection. your favorite tv show is canceled. the hero of the book dies. sometimes other people let you down. you get stood up. they don't apologize. sometimes you have to redefine who your friends are. sometimes you get pushed around. And sometimes you push around. You lose, you cry, you pick your battles. Sometimes your heart gets broken, sometimes its something so profound. Sometimes you get a package in the mail, a big smile on your face. Sometimes you laugh, sometimes you're on the floor with laughter. Sometimes you do some things that are so bad that they're so good. Sometimes you drink, you drink again, again, again, and then again. Sometimes you walk outside your door and notice the building on the other side of the street, its one of the most beautiful buildings you have ever seen. And then the world comes tumbling down again. You frown, you cry, you take a time out. You stay up thinking about where you went wrong. And then you wonder how this all started in the first place.

picture of Cory taken by me

your smart, your wonderful, your brilliant

2005-11-02T16:34:00.000-08:00

were the genuine words of a professor last night at the Psi Chi induction ceremony. I was inducted, yes, to the national honors society of psychology. The shindig went pretty well. A few good people, a couple amazing professors, and a few words. The first prof started telling us about grad school and how stressful yet rewarding it is and basically how to get in. The second, who is actually my Stats professor who I enjoy very much gave us her 2 cents. This woman is amazing. I am not going to go into detail about her life and the obstacles she endured but let me just say that after a half an hour of listening of how stressful and hard getting into grad school is, she made a complete 360 turn and shared with us some of the most motivating and inspiring words. She did something that nobody thought she would be able to do or want, not even herself and here she is, PhD from Yale and one of the most respected professors in Psychology, doing what she loves. I guess what I learned last night is that I really need to stop focusing in my life on things that are in the way or are an annoyance to what I want to achieve. I am not sure exactly what it is that I want but sitting there in that room surrounded by a bunch of people who are just as unsure of themselves as I am listening to these adults who want to help us was genuinely an amazing experience. Sometimes all it takes is for someone to shake you up and tell you that your worth it and then you really do see just how smart, wonderful and brilliant you are.

tipsyness, sillyness

2005-10-28T21:27:00.000-07:00

im sitting in my room with vanessa, both laptop in hand. reminds me a little of scalett and pauline and the oh so fabulous adventure in toulouse, france. almost every day, and night the two of them sat almost inches away from each other chatting online, to each other. how fuking absurd? you guys are so freakin weird. and i love u for that. today( im a bit tipsy right now) i had some shopping therapy. right after school, i dashed to the stores. i already lost the point to this. but basically, shopping therapy is good. im so weak. all i had was like 2 smirnoff ice. jabooty, what is happenign to me? holloween: im mini mouse. a class mate and i are heading to castro right after an exam. party on a monday ngiht. today i had a midterm which i had to take using a romote control. i think that technilogy is taking over the world. everyone i see is like a zombie, listening to their ipods, barely looking at each other. what will happen in like 20 years? people will be walking around with computer chips ingrained into their scalps. its freakin 1984 , 20 years later.

i made another "friend" from across the street. he is yet another bouncer his name is Igor, he is russian. he invited me for a drink. i didnt go. maybe next time i will.

currently reading: E.M. Forster A Passage to India.

i really need to learn to drink

another drink on the house please

2005-10-23T19:09:00.000-07:00

in a weird way, its really nice to hear my name followed by a dirty joke first thing as i come to work. friday my roommate turned 21. weekend of party. thursday night alyssa and i decided to take her to Trader Sam's, the neighborhood tiki bar. a little dive populated by old dirty men during the day and young yuppie kids in the night, although the place always smells like old people. i work across the street from the place and made my acquaintance with the bar tender and the bouncer. so it was arranged that vanessa would get a hard time getting into the bar. plan worked. she was on the verge of tears when finally the bouncer told her that we were all playing a joke on her and happy birthday. knowing that i had to wake up at 6am the next morning, i didn't really care how late i stayed up, im young, good looking (i think) and ready to party. a couple of fruity drinks later and a few free shots from the bar tender, the birthday girl was on her way of becoming a 21 year old. Me? I know from experience. Old and wise. It was one of those nights when I felt really good being around the people that I was with. It felt like a warm and fuzzy feeling. Like the kind of feeling you get when you are 10 and receive a letter from a secret admirer, or when you just went through a horrible break up and all your friends are there to bucket your tears and feed you chocolate, or the feeling you get from watching a foreign film with subtitles. The bouncer bought us a huge bowl of something with alcohol in it and a million straws pointing out called the Scorpion. We stumbled home and continued the next day. We ended up the next night at a nice little ma and pa Mexican joint, which I remember for its horrible mole. The place was pretty awesome, mariachi and everything. Michael was attacked by an overage milf who gawk at his height and made her boyfriend give Vanessa a $10 for a drink. The dance party started after dinner at the Beauty Bar. That's right. First song I hear once I come in was Michael Jackson. That's a recipe for a great night! The place was pretty well decorated. The chairs were those old hair dressing chairs with huge hair dryers attached to the back. You could have even had your nails painted if you wanted to. The place was so packed we could barely move but the music was awesome, Prince, The Cure, some new stuff, some old stuff. We left cuz it was way too packed and ended up going to a place called Delirium, it took us 10 minutes just to get through to the dance room, which was also a smoke room and also... an everything room by the looks of it.

Now I am getting ready for another week of school. But now its not as difficult to get through. I finally feel like I belong somewhere and that the people around me are amazing individuals. I think that is what I really was looking for all along, amazing amazing people. I love you guys.

people piss me off

2005-10-18T10:01:00.000-07:00

people who don't fuckin say thank you when you hold the door open for them, i don't get paid to do this shit, and even if i did, you're still an asshole.

people that do not wash their hands after using a public restroom, i give you dirty fuckers dirty looks, you deserve it, you're dirty to begin with.

that old man that walked into my coffee shop watching porn for an hour getting a hard on and then jerking off in the bathroom. i hate you shits who think its ok to get a hard on in public. and dont give me perverted looks. next time im kicking you out.

people who think they know everything. that is including me of course. but god why does the world revolve around us? get a reality check.

old ladies who give me dirty looks at bus stops. you bitch, you wern't a little angel back in the 50's. why should i be?

guys who walk around in pairs wearing the same exact shirt and jeans. are you twins?

people who piss me off in general.

passive people. if you are too fuckin slow or scared to spit it out then just get out of my face.

those little teen kids wearing diesel shoes asking for money. go ask your mommy or daddy instead. or pawn your clothes in and actually become homeless, then i'd consider flipping a dime.

people who think that Persian is a language. I am most positive it is not. If I'm wrong, then i'm an idiot for writing this blog.

its raining and your wearing a mini skirt? yeah you know who you are.

thats all for now, although the list goes on and on.

smite me

2005-10-11T13:32:00.000-07:00

you school work. breath, sigh, breath. i forget to breath sometimes. so school has picked up and i am squeezing a few minutes I have before I rush off to class again to slave over more work. It seems that with every new class I take at school, I feel more and more like I am living in a liberal bubble stuck in some black hole of America. I mean, how many of you guys get to write an essay about homosexual sex? As enticing as the subject is, I find it liberating that I get to do this kind of stuff in college. Hail to San Francisco. Back to my essay.

Currently reading: "A Passage to India" by E.M. Forster

what's in a piercing?

2005-09-28T14:59:00.000-07:00

so I pierced my nose on friday. I thought it would look nice. I've always wanted to put an extra hole in my face, and hell why not on the nose? So I did and knowing how my mother feels about the situation, went ahead with my plans and put a stud in there. Feeling a bit guilty that my parents are coming up to visit this weekend and I do not want them to have a heart attack once they get here, I decided to just tell them on the phone. Lesson well learned. I think my parents are in the process of taking all my pictures out of the family albums. My dad, in his regular screaming fashion told me that I am not an Indian and that only crazy people and punks pierce their face. Another lesson well learned: become an Indian before altering anything on your face. For the sake of my parents I think I will take it out. But I just don;t understand where this animosity is coming from. My parents would not react like this if I told them I was pregnant. Which is kind of sad. I know they were brought up in a different culture and they are not exposed to different kinds of people the way I am here in SF where it is typical with someone with tattoos all over their body to be nanny. But I still do not understand why I am getting the silent treatment from my mom. As if I am being taught some lesson, but in what? We should have gone over this when I was 15, and now that I think about it I gave them a pretty easy time as an adolescent. I don't do drugs, have promiscuous sex, waste their money, gamble, or wear the clothes my grandmother offers me. I actually feel offended. Here I am in my pursuit to becoming a psychologist, a person who tries to understand the premise of judgment, stereotype, and prejudice. I want to become a person who can relate to different types of people and help them feel good about who they are. And here are my parents telling me the complete opposite. Telling me that looks matter. That people will think I am a "punk". And so what? What does punk really mean? If it means that I am non judgmental and open minded then fine! I think this is more than just a stupid piercing. I think its control. The fact that I am 21 will never change for my parents. Be I 31 or 41, I suppose they always want to be influential in some way. So I am going to take the damn thing out. Most of it is because as long as I am dependent on my parents I will play by their rules. But this time I am not letting them raise their flag because I feel guilty for what I have done (I do not), I just don't have the nerves or the desire to argue about some juvenile matter.

the never ending

2005-09-18T22:23:00.000-07:00

there's a war in my head
i want it to end
back and forth the opposing sides fight
they knock my brains back and forth
i can hear them yelling to one another
why are they fighting?
i want this to end
it weakens my heart
tum tum goes my heart
the drops of the blood that fill my veins
that boil inside me
that fuel my head
that let the sides fight
inside my head
drop drop goes the blood in my heart
and the drops of the water i feel on my head
on my head drop the drops
the drops of the water come from above
drip drop drip drop
droop goes my face and the fight that's inside
why the fight? why the fight?
i want to be walking barefoot on the grass
and feel the earth on my skin
tickle my feet and tickle my head
so the fight would stop
it would stop in my head

randomness

2005-09-11T21:49:00.000-07:00

little tiny earthquakes in my head shuffle my thoughts and interrupt my stream of..... already forgot. i look around my room and see parts of myself, parts of my friends, parts of my life and it all seems to make sense. but in my head, only nonsense. whenever im in doubt, i disregard the convention of time, put myself in a bubble and hope that nobody pokes it and make it pop. i used to think that we are all inside one of those glass balls with water in them and when you shake it little pieces of glitter fall and make you go "aww" except instead of those glitters its the stars and when the glass gets shaken we feel an earthquake. thats how i like to interpret things, so simple, yet it makes so much sense. speaking of earthquakes, when i was younger and recently moved to the US I experienced my 1st earthquake, i remember being so frightened and all the kids in my building came out and sat around talking about how horrified we were. i remember this one guy saying that he was in the shower when it happened and at that moment he thought that a big giant picked up the earth and started shaking it around in his hands. i believed him, because he was older than i was. i still think that. it just makes more sense.
i ask alot of questions, so many that when i actually come up with the answers i forget which question i am answering, but then i don't think it really matters, kind of like in Hitchhikers Guide, if you have the answer then why does the question really matter? maybe its always 42, regardless of the question.
Currently Reading: Brave New World by Aldous Huxley

i just have a few questions

2005-09-01T12:42:00.000-07:00

where is the red cross and relief for New Orleans? Why arn't there helicopters dropping food and water to the starving and dehydrated people? why are there people trapped in the middle of a puddle and no help is on the way? why have 3 days passed and still nothing? If this were to happen in any other city, would we see the same kind of help? I doubt it.

I'd like a caramel machiato, with whipped cream.

2005-08-30T12:50:00.000-07:00

So I started my job on sunday. Coffee coffee coffe. Would you like that with whole or soy milk or non fat? I never thought that making coffee can be so confusing. A cafe americano calls for 3 shots of espresso and a latte just 2.... or did I mix it up again? So the first 2 hours I was learning all the drinks and how to use the espresso machine, and I think I got that under control. The night went pretty well, I think. Got behind the counter, made my first real hot chocolate, and sold a cookie. I even managed to keep my white shirt clean after an almost drastic accident with the milk steamer. It was pretty chill, one of the guys working there goes to State with me and I remember him from a few of my classes last semester. Besides that, the job is pretty chill, make the coffee, do your homework, and relax. These 2 Russian guys (late, early 30's) came in and kept eyeing me. They were the kind of guys my grandma would try to set me up with, some computer scientist or accountant with a thick FOB accent. As I was taking my break one of them approached me and asked me if I am on my break and if I would like to talk with them. So there I was, my first day on the job and already getting hit on... what could I say except that "I am really tired but maybe at another time, thanks." They left. So I wasn't really nervous my first day of this job but something restrained me from grabbing one of those pastries to calm my growling stomach, I didn't want to make a bad impression. But as we were closing up the manager asked me to throw away all the left over bagels and pastries. My night then got a lot better and more exciting and as I packed the remaining food to take home with me he told me not to get too excited, all of the new employees are psyched about the left over food at first but he can't even look at one of those things any more. So now I am coffee shop girl. Ya'll buy some coffee from me and give me a good tip.

conservatory of flowers

2005-08-24T16:34:00.000-07:00

Here some pretty flowers I saw a few weeks ago...

this is a water lilly, it is big and strong enough to hold a whole human being

if you look close enough you can see a dragon fly

my favorite

drunk dialing, a night gone blurry

2005-08-22T14:27:00.000-07:00

by popular demand I shall share me weekend adventures. So as most of you know I was home in Los Angeles for a week and those of you that did not call me to make plans, fuck you guys. So ya'll missed out on a very drunk Vica, which as I heard was a sight to see, since I have bare recollections of the evening's activities. So the evening only happened because my cousin Anya took her MCAT that morning. This girl spent like 3 months locked up in her room learning chemistry and this was her night. So the people were Katya, Anya, Marik, and myself. And let me just say that we all looked glamorous, but unfortunately forgot my camera but take my word for it. Lets just say that I got out of my SF hermit shell and did the LA thing for a night. So in an effort to celebrate Anya's freedom and my coming of age, we went to City Walk. I have not been there in a really long time, but for those of you who have never been there here is the scene: Loud Latino music playing in the courtyard and drunk happy couples dancing, little kids running in and out of a fountain, loud loud music coming from everywhere, lines outside of busy bars, bright neon lights, you get the picture. Started off at a Cantina drinking Margaritas but my entourage quickly forgot that I despise tequila, but to my surprise it wasn't that bad. We then went to another bar, I forgot what it was called because this is where I lost my common sense. All I know is that this place was packed, there were 2 guys playing on two different pianos like battling each other out on requested songs. They were loud, obnoxious, and fuckin awesome playing all the good stuff. The waitresses were skinny girls in bathing suits giving shots to men from test tubes administered with whipped cream. After a few horrible and expensive drinks Katya and I decided to go for the shots, a sure way to get drunk. So there I was in this loud and colorful place watching some dude up on the stage imitating Elvis Presley, my head was spinning. I go outside, time for some drunk dialing. Somehow I ended up on the phone with Polishuk, really.. was that you? We don't ever really talk on the phone and I thought you were in NY? Some guy started talking to me while I was on the phone and I found him to be very rude, especially when he asked ME to buy HIM a beer. I told him hell no go buy your own fuckin beer and walked away. I am guessing it was getting late and we were leaving, why?? I was having a great time. For those of you that don;t know me, I don't get drunk a lot and realize each time that I am just how wonderful it is. So as we were leaving I demanded a sticker from the bouncer which said "FOLLOW ME TO THE MOON" and he asked me if I wanted it in the front or the rear to which my jaw dropped and I kindly replied "I'm not sure how I feel about the rear, we just met. I'll take the front" so he nervously places the sticker on my chest, and I think he was a bit nervous, cuz I remember he was putting these stickers on other girls and he was all perverted with them like feeling them up and shit, but I swear he was like scared of me or something and just wanted to give me the sticker and leave. So we walked out and to my pleasant surprise there was a group of very fine looking police officers and started flirting of course and asked them for a picture but I had no camera. We then went with Marik's plans and crashed his friends little shindig to which we were unwelcome by a few individuals, i mean the hosts, but we were given vodka and all was soon forgotten once again. Went to Jerry's, mad tired. Marik's friend came up to every table of girls and I have no idea what he said to him but he kept coming back empty handed. And that about wraps it up, oh and I kept getting strange looks from people, apparently I forgot about the sticker on my boobs and all these men kept asking me to open my jacket to read the sign. Went to sleep at 5am at Anya's and had to be home in PV at 10:30, pack, and catch my flight. Here I am in SF safe and tired. The end.

some people really piss me off

2005-08-11T21:38:00.000-07:00

this does not come from anything that happened to me today or any time recently for that matter. i just don't get a lot of people. and not just people in my realm of friends, because of course i love them and accept all their little(or big) flaws and imperfections. but people that i see walking on the street, in coffee shops, in school, on the bus..... everywhere i feel that i am surrounded by complete and utter idiots. and then i think that maybe i am part of this little world of freaks and probably piss off some other judgmental and pessimistic individual just as myself. So i am no different. i am just coming to terms with my hate of the world's creatures. also i am in a very good mood today. had my sex final today!! And am planning on TAing for that class next semester. Yes, I am a sex expert from now. Spent the day with Vanessa (roommate) selling clothes to Crossroads and walking through the Conservatory of Flowers at Golden Gate Park. Unfortunately we got there too late and it was closing. So I am going back there tomorrow because the place is just too beautiful not to see. Most important update, I finally got a job and this one is just a block away from my apartment working at a coffee shop making sweet ole coffee. Should be interesting. I am coming home to LA this weekend and I am going to tear it up now that I have come of age!!

My first purchase of champagne!!

getting crazy in Muir Woods

legally drunk

2005-08-08T01:03:00.000-07:00

so the birthday weekend has come and gone and yet what i remember most from the big day is not blowing the candles or taking a drink or being pleasantly admitted for free to the club and having the first drink on the house. alot more stuff happened this weekend. i realized that i have amazing roommates, friends who will always be there for me no matter how long or far apart we have been, an awesome family who will sacrifice the world for me, a boyfriend who braves the parents AND survives, friends who bring me wine and cake, the numerous amount of people who call me and wish me warm and fuzzy things and i feel that everything this year has been from the heart. if sincerity exists then i really did feel it this weekend. so yeah enough of the mushy stuff. i also learned that my sister is apparently a magnet for the lesbian community and that i attract middle aged men. i also learned that i cannot hold alot of alcohol.... maybe i already knew that. so so tired, will write more tomorrow.
peace

im stuck

2005-08-02T21:11:00.000-07:00

so i have been stuck in this state of mind that i cannot categorize. at times im happy, at times sad, at moments a bit neurotic. oh who am i kidding, perpetually neurotic. mostly what this neurosis has to do with is figuring things out about where the hell i am heading in life. i look around and see amazing people doing amazing things, either for themselves or for the world. but bottum line is that every new face i meet and every old one i greet has some kind of goal or trophy in mind. everybody seems to have figured their shit out. and i look at myself, trying really hard not to juxtapose myself with anybody else but its too dificult to do that when all i see in myself is someone who is thoroughly confused, my state of mind and mood constantly ephemeral. some days all i want is to sit and read and feel completely content. other days i want to whip out some paint tubes and compose a beautiful painting, and sometimes i wish i had a meaningful job with meaningful every day tasks. am i ever going to be independent? am i ever going to quit the timidity, the panic, and the uneasiness of the little obstacles in life? maybe moving to San Francisco was not the answer to all my problems, and I was naive enough to think that it was. But I think that once I begin to ask these questions its a beginning and a well worth move. I guess what I am really trying to say, and maybe a bit of denial is constraining me from admiting it. I really don't know what the hell I am heading for in my life. That's basically it. I'm not even thinking about the long term type of stuff like what I want my carreer to be. I am thinking of other things such as intelect, appreciation of art, health, love, sex, travel, feeding the homeless, learning big words, knowing what they mean, friendship, success. Too much time on my hands lets me think about such nonesense.
Currently reading: "The House of the Spirits" by Isabel Allende

bon fire night

2005-07-31T19:54:00.000-07:00

was last night. The day actually started off with me doing the laundry, which is a good thing because it has been a while it was time! While I was waiting I decided to take a little walk around the hood and was greeted by a nice old homeless looking man on a wheel chair in his mid 50's who was missing most of his front teeth so it was hard to decipher what exactly he was saying to me. But I did makes out "It's nice weather out isn't it?" Except it sounded as if you have your whole fist inside your mouth and you are trying to talk. Then he asked me to dinner and introduced himself as Gator, kind of like my school mascot. Poor guy, should have invited him to the amazing BBQ which was held at V's house last night. Best fucking steak I ever had, and whoooo marinated it?? Yeah, me. Great great great food, corn on the cobb, and nice light drinks that made me very happy. We then got all our shtuff together and headed for the beach for the planned bon fire. It was first just about 5 or 6 of us but when my friend Luis told me he is bringing a couple of friends, I didn't realize that his whole dorm crew was coming. I don't think he knew either. So there we were, holding on for dear life to our sticks and marshmallows overcrowded by the large group of 18-19 year olds, all art students. Turns out that there are regulars that go to these bon fire things every single night. Like this one guy Goat that we met who comes to Ocean Beach almost every night. He told us that next October all of San Francisco will be covered by a humangous tidal wave. He also sold necklaces that predict your dreams... or something like that. He was a creep and Karen put him in his place about recycling his stupid beer can. Long story short, the kids stole our marshmallows and we ended up leaving once the crowd thinned out and it was around 2am. Interesting night, really typical of SF. The people and everything.

yesterday came suddenly

2005-07-29T19:53:00.000-07:00

and i am sitting once again in my room listening to the Beatles this time. Thinking of the good times. Just the good times. Why think of the bad times? This summer has been unlike any other summer, and its not over yet. But its very chill. I don't remember a summer when I wasn't away working at camp or on vacation to Italy or at my grandparents killing time. Yes this summer I also spent in Europe, part of it. But it was different. It was with the chicas. And now all I have is my room, my fabulous room that is, Gordos Taqueria around the corner, and Mono Cafe up the street, where I do my coffee shopping of course. I also have my local bus driver who tried to hit on me yesterday and even gave me an extended time on my bus recite. How sweet. I also have the old Russian grandmas and grandpas walking on Geary and the old Chinese grandmas and grandpas on Clement. They give me negative and shameful looks, but I dodge them with my thick glasses and my indifferent and casual demeanor. Yes I have demeanor now! I found myself not caring about a lot of things. But this only came upon me yesterday when I actually looked at myself in the mirror, like really looked and had a hard time recognizing the bohemian face looking back at me. Something was missing, a piercing of some sort, a tattoo maybe, but it wasn't me, like the me that I know on the inside and that image of myself gave me a strong feeling. If the real me that I know is not the me that people see when they look at me then what is the point in being shy or put up a guard or to look away when I get disdainful and sloppy animal looks from strangers? It's not me they are seeing, but just a front. And that is what I decided to become. They may see what they would like but only I know the me that is me. I think.

current mood

2005-07-29T00:15:00.000-07:00

my friends are such nerds

2005-07-27T22:15:00.000-07:00

don't get offended guys. but it is common belief that one's friends are in some ways, more than others, similar to you and well... I will admit it, I am a big nerd. So it is only safe to assume that my friends are nerds just as well. Some are nerdier than others and you all of course know who you are. So here it goes you nerds:

Now who the hell goes to calculus camp, and thinks its fun and cool? Yeah you!
Staying home, watching a war move and a bottle of wine. And you think that is fun?
Always, always undermine my opinion and in the end of course I am right. Shame shame.
You had a pager when you were 15, and you thought you were so cool. But I remember I really wanted one and kept begging my mom for one but she wouldn't let me have one and now I am a bit thankful for that because looking back, those things were a bit tacky ad you looked funny with it.
You hid people in your basement to secretly smoke, drink, or have sex when you were in high school, and I'm sure you still do if you ever get the chance.
You give your clothes to the dry cleaners just to get them ironed? That is just wrong. And nerdy!
You don't wear glasses, 1 un-nerdy thing about you.
Shop at Abercrombie and Finch.
Bust some moves on the dance floor. (In a Saturday Night Fever type of way)
Apparently cannot hold your liquor.
You HAVE to have a cute little Asian girl do your hair or else its just not good enough. SHE probably thinks you're a big nerd.
You actually enjoy having philosophical conversations about life, the universe, and everything with much enthusiasm and zeal. As opposed to the rest of us who do it just to either a) not feel like the only loser at the party b) fuck with people and bring them to tears of rage or c) try to get some.
Questions such as: What are black holes? What does E=mc² mean? How did the Universe begin? How will it end? How is the twin paradox resolved?
Probably all give you a boner.
You have been wickedly manipulated to listen to music by Dave Mathews, Ben Harper, Ani DiFranco, and Damien Rice, to name just a few.
You always somehow turn every conversation to something on the subject of either math, science, or politics.
You always turn weird and awkward moments into even more weird and more awkward moments. Good going.
You buy into convention. And think that you are original. Pshhhht.
You really know how to put people on the spot.
Oh and thanks for doing my homework in High School, and in College... and hopefully Grad School?? Please?

These are just a few, and if you fit into any one of those categories then you are truly my friend and if you fit into ALL of those categories than you are truly my friend and truly a nerd.

chocolate bars and mood swings

2005-07-25T20:23:00.000-07:00

yes, that has been my life for the past couple of weeks. but even chocolate and moodiness can bring good times. tried surfing one more time. key word: tried. it took me an hour before i gave up and sat my grumpy self on the sand watching the others brave the waves. it wasn't a good day to learn, the waves were big and little me couldn't get past all the white water. my turning point was when i gulped a mouthful of salt water as a humangous wave crashed right on me, sending my board flying. still won't give up. afterwards went to cheesecake. although we had to wait for 2 hours for our table, the chicken madeira was all worth it in the end. good times, good company, and good wine. yesturday v and i were on our way to the hardware store to get bolts for my futon to raise it on its feet and on our way we spotted a nice ass futon frame that someone just put outside for grabs so we decided to just take it and replace it with the one i had. 2 hours later and alot of sweat, blood, and energy was all thrown away for a frame that didnt work for me. so we had to dissasemble it, load it back up, and place it back where we got it inconspicuously. oh man. tomorrow sex test.
currently reading: nothing, but planning George Orwell. suggestions accepted.

finding the "right one" is like finding a spot in a parking lot

2005-07-19T23:00:00.000-07:00

Or so my sex and relationships professor tells us. This is basically how this works:
You get to the parking lot with the perfect Golden Spot in mind. Now this Golden Spot is perfectly positioned right in front of the store, and it is not the handicapped spot, but the perfect non handicapped spot that is easily accessible and right in front of your destination. This is all in your head of course. As you drive through the lot you notice a few empty spots here and there, some a bit too tight, a bit too far, a bit too something. You still have the Golden Spot shining in your head and as you approach it its getting less Golden. The Golden Spot is taken! With a bit of a panic you bust a bitch, cut off some old man, and incautiously proceed back to the other spots that were not the best choice yet would still suit you. As you pass the spots which you initially stored in the back of your head some of them are already taken up! More panic. You finally squeeze into a nice little spot which was far from the Golden Spot yet it was still a spot in the vicinity of your store. Or how should I say this, you settled! Now you hike your way back to where the store is and there you see the Golden Spot yet again, in its perfect location, with minimal walking or moving around or exercising and its just so perfect. And its empty! REGRET REGRET REGRET. Why haven't you just waited!? Relationships in a nut shell. Sigh.

Calabunga dude, I'm stoked on those high primo tubes

2005-07-17T18:07:00.000-07:00

V took me surfing yesterday. We set out to Pacifica (about a 10 min ride) to catch some waves. 10 minutes away from SF and 10 degrees warmer. I will never understand the climate here. So here's the scoop:

Surfing is fucking hard. Yes. Hard. I know I have not tried that many sports but its not like you can just pretend like you know what you're doing like say... in snowboarding. You really gotta know your shit. I surprisingly fit into one of V's wet suits (those things are hot) and plunged into the 60 degree water. It didn't take long to realize just how weak I am and how I am in dire need of exercising, but that is besides the point. So it was little me and 8 ft. long board. We had a great time together, me and the board and wrestled for a while until I safely positioned it on my head when holding it in my arm just wouldn't do it. So it was me and the board, and V and O attempting to give me advice and at the same time dodging 5 foot waves. So what you gotta do in surfing is make sure you've got humangous arms with humangous muscle and use them. You gotta peddle yourself on the gigantic board waaaaay past all the white water and then sit and wait to catch a wave. To my surprise I found the experience to be life threatening (Pauline don't roll your eyes) but I liked it!!! Sometimes you're peddling out not realizing how far you've come out into the water and sometimes you just get stuck in one spot and constantly get hit by waves. I did not catch a wave but I did get pushed on top of one and rode it all the way to shore lying down on the board. Why haven't I done this before? It was soooo much fun, although very frustrating and difficult because it is oh so hard to just peddle your way out there. So my surfing adventure came to an end when I was out there, in the open water, silence... nobody around me and I wonder what happened to everyone and how come I am so far out and where the hell is V and O when I see something floating in the water. Have you all seen that movie Open Water? I have not, but I saw the commercial and that's how I felt and there it was, a great white. I battled it with my own two hands and surprisingly came out alive and managed to save the board. Actually that's not how it happened... I wasn't paying attention and this wave hit my board and hit me right in the throat at which point I couldn't breath and saw a big white light. I'm doing alright though, just hurts to swallow still and my voice is way deep now. Going surfing again soon!

More to come on: The saga of Harry Potter and the fight to get in line FIRST!

sitting in my room

2005-07-13T22:04:00.000-07:00

listening to Joni Mitchell and looking in retrospect at all the events that have been going on in my life in the near past and how my life has been taking twisted turns when least expected. But I guess if those turns were expected they would not be so twisted. Or would they? I used to be a sheep and follow people, trends, cliche's. But now I think I am my own and make my own rules. I walk around with a Star Wars T shirt, just because its cool to do that in my little world. I have big round sun glasses that protect half the diameter of my face from not only the sun but from debris, strangers, and unwanted looks. I am still so introverted, but in an extroverted way... if that makes any sense. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am just beginning to compose myself and my personality. I am picking up the pieces and rearranging them to fit Vica. I don't think I would be thinking like this if I hadn't moved here and pushed myself to put myself in the world I so dread... THE OTHER SIDE which consists of strangers, unfamiliar faces, roommates, dirty toilet seats, professors, public transportation, no car!, small talk, no food, money, lack of money, being forced to talk with people, "make" friends, fog. But I don't think i can survive without any of these things anymore. Once I leave here I will be thrown back into the other OTHER SIDE but at least I will have a little more knowledge and experience of what I'll be up against. Oh Joni you make me so weak.

evening at the beach...

2005-07-11T21:49:00.000-07:00

beautiful beach... only 15 min walk away from our lovely home

Michael working on a master piece

my master piece

my new family: Vanessa, Michael, and Alyssa

sex and relationships

2005-07-11T16:59:00.000-07:00

is the class I am taking this summer. Today, the first day fo class I have learned that I have been looking for sex and/or relationships in all the wrong places and ways. First of all, to find romance one must have a prop, for example a pet dog. This is to attract attention. Second one must wear clothing with some kind of logo of a sports team or a school name. This is once again, to attract more attention and hopefully start up some conversation. If I was smart, I'd be walking around with a Harvard t-shirt going to all the dog parks near by. We are just learning about how to initiate a relationship and later move on to all the good stuff. But hey did ya'll know that 2/3 of romances in the work place are kept secret? And 1/3 of those people are married to someone else? Sad sad.

armed and ready

2005-07-09T12:36:00.001-07:00

Last night I met up with my old coworker/friend Luis from back home who moved up here last month. Since I was being lazy and have already set forth on a wonderful journey to downtown as stated in the previouse post, I conned him into getting his ass all the way to my place in Inner Richmond (just a half hour bus ride). It was only 9pm but it felt as if we were in some abandoned Hooverville or ghost town. Everything was closed. A few pedestrians here and there. The lights were dimming. "WTF" I thought to myself. I cannot just live by day! But we set out to find that perfect coffee shop which I can call home. Block after block we walked, and colder and windier it got. We passed by a couple of guys eating ice cream and of course I shouted "where did you get that ice cream!?" To which they replied and pointed right behind them "Joe's Ice Cream." .... yeah I do that sometimes. All in all we got some great ice cream and ended up sitting in a coffee shop I thought would be free of Russians but boy was I wrong. Everyone in that place had the typical Russian look on their face. The way they dressed, talked, gestured.... everything was pointing to "GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS PLACE" but we stayed because we had no where else to go. After about 20 minutes the place was dominated by a group of about 10 Russians and they were getting increasingly louder. I knew this would happen at some point of my life here in SF but I was not expecting this to happen so soon. I don't know if they knew of my native identity... sitting there with Luis attempting to talk about them in Spanish. We left, it was too loud in there. The end. The job hunt continues.

Currently listening to: Manu Chao

what i saw today

2005-07-08T16:10:00.000-07:00

a dead bird. it was smashed flat on the ground and its species was actually difficult to decipher. it almost looked like when someone dies and the police comes to investigate and they draw that body with the arms and legs sticking out on the ground with chalk.

a hotel named "Nazareth"

a women probably in her 50s wearing all black leather and chains in a very promiscuous yet disturbing manner.

a church. but it reminded me of the movie "Contact" because it was very grotesque and modern looking.

a lot of homeless people who were busy talking to themselves.

an 11 year old boy talking very loud on his cell phone. at the end of his conversation he had a hard time putting the phone back inside his pants pocket.

a man. a Russian man who gave me a perverted look. i wanted to gag.

my new shades

I have missed the fog

2005-07-07T16:11:00.000-07:00

Exploring by foot, my new favorite hobby.
Today I went out on the streets and spent about 2.5 hours just walking around, getting to know the neighborhood, and building some muscle in my legs. It was awesome. I am smashed on a street between Russian stores galore on Geary and Asian heaven on Clement. I walked by a coffee shop which had a HELP WANTED sign and in dire need of a job I walked in and inquired. The place was completely empty but I figured it wasn't rush hour for coffee in the afternoon on a Thursday. Right away the lady's eyes sparkled as soon as I mention the position and she started asking me questions:
When re you available?
Do you go to school?
Have you worked in a coffee shop before?
When can you start?
Can you come on Sunday fro training?
Where are you from?

That was easy, huh? Then I promised to come back and bring by my resume and she insisted that I take some coffee which she gave me. I am excited!
As my journey continues I managed to buy some fruits and vegetables, oh so cheap!! At the Asian market down the street. I also found a little piece of heaven at GORDOS TAQUERIA. How I miss Burritos.

So far I am enjoying my new location and my new roommates. House warming party coming up.

mejillones mejillones

2005-07-03T22:13:00.001-07:00

last week, one of my last nights in Toulouse we are sitting around the table at the Spanish house on the other side of town by the train station looking at a deck of cards which very graphically displayed variouse transgendered people. We began to play a drinking game called Kings which was new to me. Actually, drinking games in general are new to me... not that I have never heard of them but I have rarely played them myself. Long story short, one of the rules of the game was that if you pick up a 9 of anything you may make up your own rule. So it was my turn and I picked up a 9, the first thing that I could think of was ..."alright guys, next time you have to drink, imitate the person sitting to your left" and here I was biting my own bullet. To my left was Xevy (pronounced Shevy) a tight jeans wearing Spaniard. This was the 2nd time I met him and we have only exchanged the traditional Bonjour and a kiss on each cheek. Knowing well that he is Spanish and having just come back from the wonderful country of Spain, I decided to just say something n Spanish and hope that works. I know now never to let myself make up any more rules. So every time I had to drink I would say "No me gusto mejillones!" (I do not like mussels) and everybody would laugh, especially Xevy, he found it very amusing. Maybe I did do a good job at imitationg him? Who knows. So on the night went and so did my little rule. Finally it was almost the end of the night and as we were getting ready to head for the clubs Xevy, with a smirk on his face says (and this was the most I have heard come out of him to that point)... "Vica... you know why I was smiling so much when you said 'no me gusto mejillones'?" And I nod no. "Well... its just that mejillones has 2 meaning in Spanish, one means the sea food and the other one...... the other one is, how do you say it......" and he had a hard time with this one. He fought long and hard with his English and then half laughingly spit out a "pussy!" A moment of silence, and everybody falls on the floor from laughter. Xevy admited that he just could not go all night without telling me, and I turned all red but almost died from the laughter and slight humiliation.
next time I drink it will be to mejillones.

take a long breath....

2005-07-03T13:01:00.000-07:00

being on vacation makes me tired and lazy. i have returned from my crazy travels in europe and here I am in southern california once again. its good to not do anything once in a while. i do have stories from the past 3 weeks but some i am keeping to myself and some you all gotta call me and beg for me to tell you such fancy fables. its crazy how just a 10 hour flight home changes everything. as soon as i stepped foot in my house i already felt pressured. i felt as if something had to be done. I felt guilty about sleeping in, watching TV at 12pm and sitting on my butt eating ice cream. but then I took a look back at the time I spent with my friends in France and in Spain and suddenly all the guilty feelings dissapeared. Although I envy their lifestyle of waking up at 2 pm, having breakfast at 4 and doing completely nothing and working on my tan until 11pm dinner time and getting ready for the day to start, making all the necessary plans to meet up and hitting the bars... i realized that just because I am back home in the States I can still have that laid back attitude. I am going to use all the free vacation time I have before school starts to live the life I did in France. No more guilty feelings. this is my vacation, right?

An update on myself:
I smile regularly
I have dirty feet and it doesn't bother me
I stopped ironing my hair
Everyone says it looks nice curly
My calves have grew some muscles (all the walking in Barcelona paid off)
I listen to French music
I am in dire need of an iPod
I gotta go!!

I'll check back soon as soon as I am back in SF

las photos de espana

2005-06-23T05:55:00.000-07:00

pauline and christopher columbus both point us to the direction of America.

Tapas

Park Guell

La Sagrada Familia

a donde esta Yolanda?

graffiti

a long craved plate of nachos

you lookin at me??

innocent after all... wtf??

VALENCIA!

yolanda, juanita, y yessica

a bit too much wine

these are just a few, I will post aaaaalll the pics on ofoto soon. ciao.

no mas sangria por favor

2005-06-20T10:12:00.000-07:00

HOLA!!!
back from Spain and crashing in Toulouse. In a nutshell:
first thing you do once you go to a foreign country is make up names.
me= Yessica
scarlett= Yolanda (adonde esta yolanda??)
pauline= Juanita

sad thing that we sound Mexican rather than Spanish. ahem, to continue.... upon arrival to Barcelona (pronounced "Barthelona" in Catalan) we set out to find Hotel Barbara which was at a key location, on the most amusing corner I have ever seen. For some reason "those people" as juanita called them kept standing around there, not talking to each other, old, young, trashy, so so looking, and just standing there and not looking or talking to each other. Later on it became a unanimous decision that it was the pit stop for prostitutes and we abandoned the idea of standing there with them trying to pretend like we are one of them once we saw the 4 cars of police. Barcelona is one crazy place. TAPAS TAPAS TAPAS, I just want to puke. You need like 5 of them to fill you up. What do these people eat?? I cannot survive on potatoes and calamari rings my whole life. Aside from the food, I was nearly robbed by a band of gypsies... but as soon as I started yelling at them when I saw my 70 euros disappear "WHERE THE HELL IS MY MONEY" they got scared and dropped the bills.

Gaudi: amazing, spectacular, crazy, mosaic, trippy, must have been on crack, beautiful, I enjoyed it.

That's right, we went to see Park Guell which was one of the most beautiful architecture I have ever seen. Also saw the Sagrada Familia... those of you who got post cards from me know what it looks like. The highlight of Barcelona was the architecture. In spite of the lack of normal healthy food, we all craved a big dish of CA food and although I feel that i have sinned, yolanda and juanita and I had a big plate of nachos at the Hard Rock Cafe Barcelona!! And I did not regret it. Oh it was gooood. People selling beer and hash on the streets, drunk weirdos talking to you, clowns, magicians, tarot card readings. The first night we had a little too much sangria and I was ready to puke at the thought of it for the rest of the trip. Hopefully I will have it once again sometime in the future. I was not crazy about the city in general and was a bit disappointed but thank god we went south to Valencia!

Valencia, Spain: why didn't we just go there to begin with?34 C THATS HOT! nice people, great hostel, the beach, the beach, ooooh the nude beach, oooh the topless tanning (yeah me!), peaceful, friendly.
I would go back there in a flash, I can even go back there right now and just lye out on the Mediterranean sands once again.

The dark side: more tapas and paella and sangria.... we had to do something! On our second try of talking a waitress into making us a coke float we succeeded and then parted with the beautiful city of Valencia and back to Barcelona to crash for the night before coming to Toulouse.

Last night in Barcelona: we knew where to go right away.. Hard Rock Cafe where we overestimated the size of our stomachs and ordered an ordinary American dish of appetizer and entrees which we almost vomited. OOhhh but it was good. The hostel was yet another experience. Apparently the beds don't come with sheets and we were way too tired and disillusioned after the big meal to find out the dealio. Either way, sleeping with even a sheet over yourself in that weather is suicide. As I am sure Yolanda will devote a full entry about last night at the hostel on her page i will make a brief comment. Who appeared at 3am as a bunch of rude French(?) guys started throwing stuff at Yolanda because they thought she was snoring when really it was the girl next to her (an 8 bed room) at the point that a shoe was thrown at Yolanda, she picked it up and attempted to throw it back as she said "Hey! You fucker! I wasn't snoring" and then it was quiet. The greatest revenge: take the shoe and throw it away on a random corner. Which is exactly what Yolanda did. Sorry Pier... good luck with the shoe, next time be a bit more polite. I am proud of you Scarlett. Shoe power forever.

Bus back, 6 more hours.
Back in Toulouse and ready to give mole another chance. Only because Claudia is making it.
Pictures to come.
Long version of everything over the phone.
Love everyone.

P.S. to my girls... WTF??? I feel it in my fingers... I feel it in my toes. Adonde esta Yolanda? That feels good. Like no other! ....etc. Love you guys.

pardon my french

2005-06-12T18:32:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that my blog entries have not been completely accurate. Ahem, aside from spelling and grammar mistakes I have made inadequate views about the Frenchies. I must apologize and say that French men not only enjoy women but men as well. So with that brief apology, here are some pictures.

I love my girls!!

walking down the busy street

nice ride

fishermen pants!!

tanning by La Garonne

a la sante!!

the view from out balcony

St. Sernin

Place du Capitole

fondue

Toulouse

alouette

2005-06-10T15:12:00.000-07:00

Ok so another update. I am having a great time here in Toulouse, if that has not been mentioned yet. I have met more people here than I have in San Francisco in just 5 days of visiting. Lesson to be learned: rely on your abroad girlfriends to create a social life for you instead of making the effort to do it yourself. I have also learned a lot about France and have lost many of my old stereotypes. Although... some still do remain. French people like to party, the are relaxed, they have a funny accent, they love women(the men), they wear tight pants, they have exquisite cuisine, and their day begins at 6pm (well, pauline and scarlett's does). Today Pauline and Claudia and I sun bathed by the Le Garonne river. It was probably 90 degrees, or at least it felt like it. The sun here does not go down until 11pm and the whether is amazing. You can walk around naked pretty much at night and still feel warm. Last night was pretty crazy so I will not go into detail, but in a nutshell, we went to Chez Tonton, a bar which is well known for its densely packed space and extreme amounts of hard liquor. I felt like I was standing in an extremely packed elevator and drinks were being poured all over me, literally. Plus my feet were practically sticking to the floor!! There we met the Frenchies again where "Magician" was showing me his magic tricks and actually proposed to me. I kindly declined his offer. After being practically wasted we made our way to some other bars, most of them to use the restroom. We then danced our booties off and I got a free sandwich on the street. All I did was say that I had no money. I guess the sandwich man felt sorry for me, or he probably thought I was really hot. I think it was the latter. Stumbling home I sang alouette in broken French and a touch of English and I found my inner secret, I can be a fish and swim late in the dark in a stranded street in France. We then(4am) met up with the Frenchies one more time back at the house and once again I did not understand a word they were saying cuz I don't speak French. But it was fun. We stayed up till 7am!!! I was proposed to once again... and as I declined one more time I went to sleep with Scarlett. But we were yet again disturbed by the noises next door (Pauline's room!) No no.. nothing like that you sick perverts. Long story short, its kinda hard to get 3 drunk French dudes out of your house at 7am but finally we did it and it was a fun night for all of us. Tonight we went to a goodbye potluck party for some of Pauline and Scarlett's American friends. Good time. Next week, Spain!

ooh no je parle pas francais

2005-06-09T14:34:00.000-07:00

what can i say as i sit in pauline's room as scarlett irons claudia's(awsome girls) back as claudia jiggles her ass. Today was nice. It was so hot. I went in the morning(ahem 11:30 am) with cory to the marche (market) and bought some delicious strawberries and apples and a mango for scarlett. I introduced cory to parsimone. He said it had an "interesting" taste... The market was on the street with vendors selling their fresh goods. Very colorful, busy, and smelled of fruits and vegetables. Then we visited some of pauline's french friends in their house in the "suburbs". lets just say that french people around here like to have alot of pets. this guy had 3 dogs, 2 cats, 4 turtles, and an owl. We fried in the sun by the pool as we were catered with cherries and cookies. Funny how those 2 guys barely spoke english but only listened to American music in the car. After food at a vegetarian restaurant (9 euro menu!!) we visited claudia and now we are off to the bars. Apparently Thursday nights are the best and the wildest. Fun fun fun with the girls.

Disillusioned

2005-06-07T17:46:00.000-07:00

i am so drunk... today was fun. woke up late. walked around.. hot as hell. ate fondu. clogged the toilet. guacamole night. avocados too hard. drank secretly on the balcony with pauline(sorry scar you were busy with your guests). went to frog place. sang songs. played darts. cheated darts. felt loopy. am drunk. life is nice. good night.